It went well….

So my trip away went well. We didn’t argue. But we didn’t talk about stuff much either. We enjoyed each other’s company and had a really nice time. I got worked up just the once when he asked if he could have one beer say with dinner. I said no. I need more commitment than that if this is going to work…. I don’t know when he will drink again. But I’m not comfortable with it at the moment.

It’s been 2 weeks tomorrow.

2 weeks…. It’s gone fast… but slow at the same time…. I’m feeling pretty low today…. I feel like we’ve just forgotten what’s happened… But i haven’t…. It’s all feels pretend ok….

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The cheating husband

So I posted about Chris last.

The messages to the other woman… I suppose I should wrote down my update and get out how I’ve been feeling.

I’m still a mess. Yesterday was my first day sober since finding out. I either had been drinking or taking pills to get through the evenings. I find them the hardest. When I’m not doing something… I start thinking about it again and I start to have an anxiety/panic attacks. I was sick at work yesterday after one.

I read through the screenshots most days. I still can’t believe that he has done this to me. I obviously have no trust in him and I havent forgiven him at all. It’s only been just over a week…

The last two nights he’s stayed back in my bed. I didn’t trust myself to be alone. Especially last night. I wanted to get high and forget everything. The pain in my heart when I’m not distracted is unbelievable. My chest foew all tight and I want to cry. I want to realise the pain but can’t. I want to forget… But can’t… having him back in my bed doesn’t mean we are fixed… He knows that. He’s said he can go back in the other room still any point that I’m not comfortable with him being there. The last two nights I’ve been someone there to stop me doing stupid shit.

We have talked so much about why our relationship went wrong, where we got lost and why he was talking to another woman. He’s joined the gym to get some self confidence back, stopped the drinking completely so that he is more in control and not depending on it. He’s been letting me make the first moved in our relay so that he doesn’t push me too far, he’s been talking about how he’s feeling and how he wants to fix us. I’ve been bought flowers, kissed passionatly, housework done without me even having to mention it and fucked wonderfully into next week! Sex really is better when you’ve had arguments.

Onto the sex thing though. It’s been dead part of our relationship for a long time. It’s been used to try for children…. And that’s it… It lost it’s spark, it’s fun it’s meaning. I lost my drive for it because Chris was drinking at least 4 cans a night… And not coming to bed with me. Choosing to drink and play Xbox instead. So yeah nice sex died a long time ago.

But in the messages to her he mentioned all of this… Blaming me really. And talking to her a little about wanting to be adventuorus again. Ermmmm excuse me! I’m sat here wanting you… We have so many toys etc… One night when I was high I went onto love honey… £120 layer I have a whole new set of toys coming. Sexy closes, vibrators, cock and nipple ring.. a flogger… Now Monday night after it arrive the sex was amaing. I never have enjoyed being beaten tied and fucked so much in my life. We did it 3 times that night. We haven’t don’t it that much since being ‘kids’ it was beautiful.

We have 3 days off now. I’m nervous about going. Spending that much time with him. Usually we argue when we have that much time together… I wonder what it will be like. Will I have anxiety attacks? Will I get angry at him? Will he drink? Will I be ok sharing the bed still? I’m scared.

So how I’m feeling now….

The update for a bit long as I wanted to upload all the pictures.

I feel like shit. I don’t understand why he did it. His reasons are that mentally he is not stable. He feels really low anlbout himself and had no confidence. She gave him compliments and he liked it so he played along. Carried on to get a reaction. They both say nothing physically happened and nothing physically would. But the messages sound like they would have.

He says he never liked he in that way.

I don’t know what to believe. I never thought he would do this. I thought he loved me. I thought he wanted to be with me.

The other day i took some tramadol recreationally. I enjoyed it. The relaxed buzz was really good. It chilled out my anxiety completely. It’s been so high rescently. A break from it was good.

I took a couple of Chris sleeping tablets hoping to sleep through the night… But it didn’t happen…. And I didn’t even feel any drowsy effect from them at all. So I took another tramadol last night.

That really helped. It makes me feel all light in the head, a little off balance but relaxed and happy. I need that right now… The only downfall is I don’t have much of it.

I’ve never been one to take drugs. So I’m very confused conflicted on taking them. But they are helping… And I’m hurting so bad. I need to break. And I don’t want to drink. I feel like selfharming and points where I’m suicidal. I just don’t want to be here some days. I’ve dealt with two much shit recently.

Abbie was in a coma for a few.months and now passed away. I miss her so much. It fucking hurts so bad.

Overdue update

It’s 6:30am Sunday 10th June. And I’m high on tramadol…againsince my last update… Which I really should re read….. Everything has gone to from one thing to another.

So previous I mentioned the divorce thing… Well things just got worse from there… I also mentioned slimming world… So I think I will start there and do some positive bits before I have a complete breakdown over everything else.

So slimming world! It’s going great! I’ve lost 12lbd in 8 weeks on the program. I feel much better in myself, my stomach isn’t as bloated, and I can tumble turn in the pool. I can tie my shoes properly again too. Little things I used to struggle with and easier.

I completed 25 miles of exercise last month and aiming for 50 this month. I’m already at 22 miles.

I suppose now for the big one. The awful, down right horrible update. I found out last Sunday… Chris has been emotionally cheating on me.

He’s been talking about me, our issues, our sex life and talking sexually to angirl called Meghan

Not only has she been taking the piss out if me and laughing along. But discussing my anger issues which have stemed from my need to some control after everything else I’ve been through. But does she know about all that… No. So she’s been mocking me and Chris didn’t stop her, he laughed along.

They have been talking very sexually and constanting brining to mistress talks and saying if we sound brak up… (This comes more from her re breakup) apparently our sex life is boring… And I’m angry all the time. He was talking about having sex with her and another woman whilst I was sat right next to him in the bongo… Going to collect our bongo. He was talking to her about being a mistress when we were away for the first night in our van. He compliments her on her body, tells her she should flaunt it. Starts conversations up with complimenting her on pictures on Instagram. He sends her heart face and kiss face emogi when talking about her. I never get that. I don’t get compliments any more.

I have 60 odd screen shots from the 1st months they were to talking….

Slimming world

So I joined slimming world online last week.

I’ve had a week on palan to 99% of it. A couple of slips but it’s all good. I was honest in my food diary. So that’s all that matters.

I managed to LOOSE 5lbs! 5!!! Gone for good I hope! This is the best weight loss in a week they I have ever had. I hope this continues to work!

Still struggling

I am still struggling with the whole Chris wanting a divorce thing. No he doesn’t but it still on my mind and well we’re still trying to fix our relationship because of it.

We put a cleaning rota in place. It seems stupid I know but it’s just to make sure that we’re both kind of helping out in so one person isn’t doing everything, aka me not doing everything. The first week went really good he did loads of extra bits and really helped out. You get home from work and actually do something just to take it off that wasn’t the dishwasher or a bit of laundry.

This week though here well haven’t done much. Yes he has done dishwasher and he’s done some laundry and little bits like that but that’s nothing that he didn’t used to do anyway. All the hoovering and cleaning and bit so that is all just been left again to me. So it’s come to Saturday night it’s his last shift in the pub and what am I doing? putting laundry away doing the hoovering and all the other s*** because there’s stuff to do. And what’s he been doing what I’ve been swimming and doing things after work? You got it, Xbox. So when we said it will do stuff beforehand, he hasn’t been… again.

But then I knew this would happen because it happens every single time. But at least with his drinking, I think he’s he’s cut it back. I’m not 100% sure, but I think he has which is going to help a lot.

I love him and I think that’s my problem. He can walk all over me and I’m still stay by him it’s f****** stupid I know. I can’t imagine life without him. I think he knows that so he knows he can get away with it. Unfortunately he can.

Deep down I don’t actually know if he properly loves me. But I think that’s because of the problems we’ve had recently. I feel like he’s just skating because it’s easier to be with me than without me because I do everything and I look after him and work is easy for him with me. It doesn’t have to do anything really. I do, I do it all.

I suppose I’m doing this just to get it out because I can’t say it to him all the time. I can’t be the weak one. This shouldn’t bother me but it does. I feel so done with everything. I’d like to jump off the roundabout now

Weight

So I’ve been back on the pill for a couple of weeks now dieting SlimFast ish for 3 weeks ok I did it for the first week lost a lot of weight and got pissed off so stop doing it. When I get stressed or upset I eat so Slim Fast really hasn’t work the last week or so I’ve just been eating a lot.

But I lost 7 pounds in the first two weeks I’ve gained 1 this week but I think I’m just going to pick myself up the ass and carry on really just do some more Slim Fast and just exercise some more.

I did my second aquathlon and beat my time and a little bit more running thwn I did last time. I’m here, last in my group but you know I beat myself from last time which is really good I knocked a few seconds off my swimming and good minute or so off my run so you know I’m getting somewhere with it. it really hurt my head, but I’m knackered now still on Monday I did it yesterday.

I just want to be fit and healthy again I want to be able to run about when I have a kid and maybe do some dog walks about feeling ill.

But once again it’s something else that I’m stressing and worrying about so you know one day I might actually get there one day I might not be a fat bastard

Well that’s over and out for me 3:15 on Monday. One more night shift after this and hopefully I’ll spend some time with Chris. Will be nice to see each other, hopefully anyway.

Life and marriage is hard

Things have been a little bit tough at home recently.

Chris and out drinking with a couple of friends on Wednesday night. Got a bit drunk, and ended up telling them that he wanted a divorce. And he wasn’t happy with me. I found out on Friday when I open up Facebook and he was still logged in. I found out on Friday when I open up Facebook and he was still logged in. the messages have just popped up in front of me

So obviously I confronted him about it, he told me that’s not the way he’s been feeling and he was just drunk and really just was overreacting to some feelings he had. I think because we have been working so much and barely getting any time together, I think it’s really got to him. He says that he understands that he’s not really doing a lot at home and basically is just man hours at work he feels a bit useless. He’s feeling really low and depressed and it’s just been putting everything on me and making it all seem like my fault. That’s his words not mine.

My major issue with it at the moment no it’s just that, usually when he’s sober he doesn’t really talk much but we had a few drinks he opens up a bit more it’s like how he truly feels. It’s just got me really really worried that this isn’t what he wants and that he’s just going to believe me and want a divorce. I’m trying everything to save our marriage. I can’t lose him. He says that I can trust what he saying in the fact that he wants to be with me but because I know what he’s like especially when he’s been drinking he’s a bit more open so, it’s hard to believe he can suddenly change his mind and not want to divorce and then be. ok. And be ok with me. And want to be with me after saying those things to Kirsty and Billy.

I’m feeling very insecure and I really just don’t know what to do like we’ve written a rota of s*** to do at home so that the jobs are shared out but that’s not going to sort everything else out. How does cleaning sort out of marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore I love him so much. I couldn’t imagine being without him.

It’s now 3:10 in the morning on the Monday morning afterwards and I still feel like crying. I don’t really want to go home to an empty bed but he’s got to be up in the morning and I want to be able to sleep. Don’t really want to be alone. I had so many anxiety attacks on Friday night. It was awful I just didn’t know what to do with myself and everytime that I got over an anxiety attack I end up having another one because I thought he was going to leave me. I still think he’s going to leave me. I want children with this man and I don’t feel secure anymore.

I wish I knew what to do.