The second line on my tests has finally gone…. Bitter sweet moment I guess… I can get on with things again now… I just wish it was pregnancy….
One week on since j found out I was pregnant… Then ended up in hospital with a ruptured cyst and MC….
I’m struggling… I really am… I don’t want to go out and do anything. I’m finding the little things hard again.
But I have to be strong… Even if I don’t want to be…
I don’t want to be….
I want to curl up and cry….
Fuck you world
Hello miscarriage number 3
Tuesday: 1-2 weeks
So yesterday turned a bit shit….. Well that’s the understatement of the year and we are only on month 2 of the year.
I started getting stomach cramps whilst watching a Thor with Lewis and Lydia. I thought nothing of it. Thought maybe it was just some trapped gas or something.
I woke up about half 12 in agony in my stomach (left side) and in my leg. The pain was radiating.
I went to the loo and I’m bleeding.
I’m in so much pain I call Chris at work. He’s going to be there for a while…. So we decided I call mum.
Mum came straight over and called 111. They sent an ambulance. I told Chris and he came straight home, leaving work. We had to call 999 and get me prioritiesd as they were taking so long to get to me.
We got to a&e about 3 am. I was given gas and air on the way up to Exeter which helped a lot. But when we got to a&e it was so busy I basically got left in the corner with no painkillers. Chris had to go and ask for some.
At half 8 I got moved to the woman’s unit for scans. They had already taken some bloods but until 8am that’s the only contact with anyone I had apart from observations.
I managed to get a bed by 10. And about half 12 I got taken for my scans.
Scan showed cysts on left ovary, which could be either a cysts or follicles from ovulation, one could have ruptured but they aren’t sure, coming back Tuesday for blood tests, been given some lunch and should be ok to leave soon. They can’t see any signs of ectopic pregnancy, but they said it’s also too early to be able to see anything really.
Oh my fucking god! I’m in shock
After this king round 2 of clomid didn’t work and having spotting and a period…. I randomly decided to test today…..
Im in shock. Phoning doctors first thing Monday!
I want a life outside of this.
I want a life outside of trying for a baby
A life outside of work
A life outside of all this shit.
I want to go to the pub with some friends
I want to go on holiday.
I want to eat take out.
I want to decorate my house.
I want to not stress about affording my next meal.
I want to spoil a little baby.
I want something that’s mine.
I confess I feel like I will never have a child of my own
I’m destined to be auntie Stevie forever.
All I crave is to be called mumma
It’s breaking my heart not having a baby
So round two was a failure and I had a complete mental breakdown.
I haven’t crashed like that since loosing bean a year ago this month.
Things have been really really hard recently. The drugs are kicking my arse I’m working a second job and the lack of sleep from the drugs is horrible.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to walk away but I can’t.
I want a baby, I want to give a baby to chris. I want a family. But I can’t do that. My body hates me. Why can’t my life just been simple.
Why do we have to be in so much debt that we have to both work second jobs.
Why can’t people be reliable at work.
Why do I have to work 24/7
Why couldn’t I have been happy in a normal job
Why did I have to set up a business
Why couldn’t life be simple
Why do I do this to myself… To Chris…
Good sign? Or bad timing? 4 days until period is due…. I bet I will still come on…. But I can keep my fingers crossed right?