fitness and life

I’ve gone back into a slimfast style diet to try and help boost my metabolism so fingers crossed it works.

I’m pushing myself harder with my fitness, I’m running more and entering events. I’m entering a triathalon for beginners next month. I have 5 weeks….. 

I’ve given up with the having a baby shit. I’m struggling so bad with it. I know I want it. I know things may come right. But I have no hope left. Doctors on 29th but right now I don’t see it realtly ever happening. 

Chris is drinking still in the evenings. He said he would cut it out, but hasn’t. When I mention it, all I get is mmmhmmmmm. I feel like I’m the only one taking health seriously to have kids.

my weight

I’m really struggling with body image at the moment. I’m finding being this size really really hard. Physically and mentally. 

The first image is me before coming off my contraception. Before I found out I had pcos and an insulin resistancy. Im 12 and half 12

The second is me at 14 stone. A year later. When I found out I had pcos.

The 3rd is yesterday. 16 stone. Unhappy. And hating my body.

There is nothing I can do. I eat healthily, exercise and I’m still this size. It’s depressing and makes me want to cry.

I would do anything to go back even to 14 stone. But I’m giving up my body to have a child. I will get there. I will bring a child into this world then put myself back to being first…. I hope it works like that. Because living in this body is hell. 

I also miss being able to wear clothes like the first picture 

the struggle continues

I’m trying not to let it all get to me. 

I’m trying to be positive and the happy go lucky person i have been again recently. But I’m tired.

Work is stressful, staff are stressful, dogs are stressful, i have lost my passion for work.

My house isn’t as much of a mess anymore… But it’s not how i want it. 

I still don’t have a baby… And I’m still not pregnant. I don’t know why and it hurts like hell.

I feel so fat and don’t understand why i can’t loose weight even when eating to my diet. I feel like i should stop eating completely….. Obviously i wont… That’s just stupid. But i eat right and exercise and can’t loose weight.

My back is fucked again so ATM I’ve taken some old tramadol and it’s helped so fingers crossed it will work itself out. 

I just feel so lost with everything. I don’t have time to do everything i want to do. I can’t afford to do everything i want to do. I can’t make Chris happy…. 

Maybe i should sell the business…. Maybe i need to take a step back…. Maybe i need to change how things work at work… Maybe then i will be happy again 

Weekend full of attacks

Well that was an interesting weekend….. Not. 

Been rather stressed out recently and it all came to a head over the weekend. I had like 4 anxiety attacks in 2 days.

Work has been hard,and stressful rying to keep the book balanced and everyone ehappy at the same time.

I feel so fat and ugly and unattractive now I’m back up to 16 stone…. Which doesn’t help since we are meant to be having sex 2-3 times a week minium (as suggested by fertility department) I just don’t feel sexy….

Then there is the food front of things. I look in the fridge and can’t find anything interesting to eat 😦 and it pisses me off…. I wish I could just have anything. I tried making some almond flour bread… It failed….. Again….

29th of August seems so far away still…. I just want the appointment now 😦 I have so much going on between now and then.

My birthday


Hen do

I want to get my fertility treatments started….then I can have a baby… Go back on contraception and now be fat! X

Get up and go to work…. 

Get up and go to work….

Try not to think about infertility…

Come home try and eat healthily….

Go to bed
Get up and go to work

Try not to think about next months due date….

Come home… Go to bed
Get up and go to work….

Try not to think…..


the ups and the downs

Things have good recently. Alot better than before but some days I still feel like abosolute shit.

But it’s the same crap that I feel crap about so I haven’t really been posting much. I’m currently on cd3 so that another month of not getting my baby…. 21 months we have been trying… 2 miscarriages… And still nothing more. I hate it so much. I hate that it’s made me put on so much weight to, that’s taken the fun and excitement out of ttc. I just want to get it over and done with now so that I can get back on contraception and get fit again. I can’t stand looking in the mirror. I can’t stand having my picture taken. I just look fat and ugly. Bah! 

On the plus side my gynacology referral came through so I can book that in now. And find out what’s going on. There had to be something…. I just want a baby so badly. 

tired and emotional

Well the title pretty much sums it up.

 I’m shattered at the moment 70 hour weeks are hard. I will I had more than one day off… But being the boss does that to you. Things are picking up with work though so hopefully I can start having more time off soon. 

It makes me emotional and makes me feel very weak…. Especially when I comes to food. I can be bothered to cook or prep anything. I’m currently sat in the changing rooms in the pool trying to get the energy to go for a swim. I can’t do some of my normal classes after pulling muscles when I had my chest infection. Hopefully next week…. 

But yeah feeling very emotional. I’m due on in a few days. I know again that I’m not pregnant and it sucks. I can’t wait to see the fertility specialists and see what they suggest as both mine and Chris results came back good….. So why can’t I conceive? What’s going wrong?