First round of clomid…

Scan went well.

2 small follicles on right side.

2 good large ones on left. One at 18mm one at 17mm (2 follicles over 16mm is the max that they let you carry on for due to risk of multiples)

Womb lining looks good too.

So looks like clomid has worked at the moment. Need to do bloods to confirm that ovulation has occured.

Xx

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:(

My baby should be 5 months old…..

Instead I’m now on clomid…. Still trying for a baby…. Still fat…. Still hurting…

All the scans can back clear…. Apart from low progesterone. Why couldn’t they tell me that before. Why wait a year down the line. Progesterone is the lifeline in first 12 weeks….. Why have they not tested this before.

A year of weight gain and depression to have hopefully found out why.

Coping with life…

Today can do one.

I feel like shit. I feel so low, all I want to do is curl up in a blanket and cry.

My legs are sore, my head hurts and the usual… I’m not pregnant… Amber is in labour as such…. Darcie is over 6 months….. Ali is nearly a year…. And me…. I’m sat her fat as fuck… No stamina to do anything and NOT pregnant. No one realises now much her hurts the most……

My heart aches, eyes want to tear up. And there is nothing I can do about it.

A year ago

A year ago I conceived baby number 2…. In a few weeks time it will be a year since I found out I was pregnant. A year since I took a per year before drinking when Bambi was over… A year ago I had the biggest grin on my face.

Now…. It’s a year on. 2 stone heavier…. Fat… Ugly…. Depressed… Stressed…. Anxious….. And still no fucking baby.

Yes im drunk

It’s 20:35 I’m drunk.

I’m fed up with these fertility issues.

I’m fed up with my weight.

I’m fed up with the trapped nerve in my back

I’m fed up with feeling like crap

I’m fed up with wanting to run away

I’m fed up

Pass me another gin… Like right now… I want another double…. Forget everything. Makes it easier right? It’s got to?

Fuck you to everyone that gets their positive/has their baby. I’m feeling jealous as fuck right now and it hurts… I’m done with it all

I confess…

I confess I want to sell my business

I confess I hate the arguments it causes between me and my husband

I confess I find it harder than I make out working together.

I confess I’ve burnt out and done with it all

Today i feel like shit

It’s my day off and I really didn’t want to feel like this. Not today.

I hate my body, I have that I’m not pregnant. I have I have to take a shit tonne of drugs. I hate that I know I wouldn’t have conceived this month. I hate that i could have had sex this morning… But once again I didn’t want to. I hate that I’m sat here feeling fat and ugly and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that I have no money and that I can’t afford new clothes that fit. I hate that I can’t let go of all the old clothes in my wardrobe. I hate that I want to cry.

I hate that I really wish I was employed so I could afford shit. I have that I contemplate selling my business. I hate that all I want is a normal life right now. I hate that normal will never happen.

2 years

Two years

24 months

730 days

730 days we have been trying for our first child.

730 days… 2 miscarriages

And still no baby.

It’s nearly a year since our last conception.

I give it 3 more months from when I start these drugs. 3 cycles. Then I’m done and I’m going back on contraception.

I need to be me again baby or no baby.