Should be 7 weeks today…

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Feeling a little low today.
I had a better day yesterday emotionally.
I should be 7 weeks today. My little bean would have been the size of a blueberry.

I know I shouldn’t dwell but I can seem to turn the app off.
Hopefully soon I can turn swap the dates to my new bean.

I wonder how many people that have had miscarriages carried on looking at things like this… Kept counting the would have been weeks.

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The effects on our relationship

A miscarriage can be and is traumatic and upsetting at any stage of pregnancy. I was 5+2 when I started bleeding.
I had already told the family, had spoken to the brother in law, who lives with us, about when he would like to move out. I had started planning what rooms. In the house would turn into what.

It’s easy for me to say how a miscarriage has affected me, well it’s me typing this.
But it wasn’t until last night I really saw how it has effecting my husband.
We curled up in bed last night and he stuck to me like glue. I asked what was wrong and I got the usual man response

I’m OK

But I knew he wasn’t. I couldn’t get him to talk much. I kept getting

I’m OK
It’s fine
I want to make sure your ok

It wasn’t until last night I really saw how much he was hurting too. My beautiful man hadn’t cried or shown any upset. He wanted to be strong for me. That’s when I held him closer than ever before. Telling him that it’s OK for him not to be strong all the time.

We have been closer than ever since finding out we were pregnant but a miscarriage has bought out a different need for each other. I can’t remember the last time we were so intimate as much as this.
I think we are both feeling a need to concieve, an urgency that wasn’t there before.

I just hope we catch soon. Make the pain go away, bring back the excitement we had.

Breakdown

I had a breakdown on the husband again last night. I didnt do well yesterday at all.

I miss being pregnant. I wish I didn’t miscarry. It still hurts so much. I feel so lost. Apparently it’s normal to feel like this.

It’s just not fair. People who haven’t been trying or don’t want children seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and have no issues. Me…. Well it didn’t take us that long but why did I have to loose it? It’s just not fair.
I want my bean back. I wanted that one… Not another…. It sucks.

Got to keep going, keep trying. Hoping the next one sticks for more than a week and that it’s not something wrong with me causing the miscarriage

Ovulation

So you can ovulate pretty much a week after you have finished blessing from a miscarriage. I stranded tracking a few days ago. According to my ovia app I should be at the start of my fertility week
I really do hope so.
I really need this. I really really want this.

I miss the pregnancy cravings, I  miss feeling ill. I want it all back. I feel  ok until I’m on my own… I feel ok until I stop doing thing. Hurry up ovulation. So I can do the deed (dtd) and make another bean.

One week on…

It’s just over a week since my miscarriage was confirmed.
5 days since I stopped bleeding.
I still feel so empty. So lost.
I’ve been told I could concieve straight away. That would be good. I need some happiness. Everyone is there for me. Including my husband. But there is so many times you can say no I’m not ok. Only so many times you can allow yourself to break down on them.
I need to be strong. I need to get on with my life.
I’ve never felt a pain like this. It’s a strange pain. One that I wouldn’t wish upon any woman. One that I hope I never have to endure again… I’m broken

Can’t stop crying

I’m an emotional wreck.

How could I become attached to something that wasn’t even the size of a grain of rice?

How is it fair that you plan everything in your head, plan when to tell people… Plans for names…plans for its room…. Do we find out the sex or not…. Look into different types of birthing…. Then it’s all gone.

I’m so angry. It’s not fair. It’s not much to ask for a little bean to sick is it? Surely not?

How the hell can people accidently get pregnant and everything be OK? How is it fair that the awful people in this world get to have theirs with no problems at all. And me? I get a week.

Life is so f*****g unfair!! I just want to scream and cry all at the same time

The day from hell

I couldn’t wait for the blood test results…. I did another pregnancy test this morning. I couldn’t look. I’ll I’ve been doing the last couple days is crying. I can’t be alone. I’m so afraid that I’ve miscarried. I’m sure I have. But I’m hoping I haven’t. I love this little bean so much.

Husband looked at the test for me… It was negative. I never thought it would hurt so much,so soon. I feel stupid for being so upset. I cried so hard, uncontrollably.

I’ve known I’ve been pregnant for a week. And now I’m not. No sickness any more, no sore boobs. It’s all gone. I feel so lost, so empty. All I want to do is cry. I need to get out this house. I need to do something to distract myself. It’s all I can think of. My bean has gone. 😭

I got the call from the doctors. They confirmed it. My hcg levels say I’m not pregnant. Once again I feel like I’ve been torn in two.

Worst weekend ever

So I’m waiting to have my bloods taken. I’m still not sure what’s going on. I’ve got no cramps… No pain… Just the bleeding. Am I having a miscarriage? Is my bean ok? Im so worried about it. All I can do is Google what’s going on and worry about it.
I can’t concentrate on work… Husband has banned me from doing anything. I’m not even allowed to walk the dog.
I’m trying everything to try and keep this little bean.
It already means to world to me. Planning it’s life already….

Bleeding

I started bleeding. Light at first then heavier… Like a period. I’m classed as 5 weeks pregnant. The midwife can’t check anything until 6 weeks. The doctors said to see how it goes over weekend…. I’m really worried about it. It’s too late to be implant bleeding but there are so many stories of women bleeding throughout their pregnancies and everything being ok….