Cd 24… Month 9

Sorry by blog hasn’t been anything to do with the recently. I seem to write more when I’m down and my weight had definitely been playing a role there…..

So back to the! it’s cycle day 24 of month 9 today.
I haven’t tracked this month, no temping, not opk dips, nothing. Just making sure we have sex regularly. 

The last 3/4 days I’ve had really sensitive boobs…. I mean really! It’s like heaven in the bedroom haha! I’ve felt a little under the weather and extremely tired. I haven’t felt massively ill like last time or been craving anything yet.

Last night I started spotting. I’m not due on for a week so fingers crossed ifs implant bleeding. Won’t be getting my hopes up though as same happened on month 7.

I so hope I get a bfp this time. I’m due on my af on my birthday… So if she doesn’t come that would be the best present ever 🙂

My size plays an important role in my head state

So my depression circles mostly around my weight I think. Food cravings are hard to beat.

I thinks it’s also around my insecurities. I know I shouldn’t have any when it comes to my husband. I know he lives me and he is very committed to me. But my depression gets the better of me and I’m afraid he may leave when I flip out at him over nothing, or my mood drops dramatically for a few days. 

But back to the weight issue for now. This is a.picture of me as a 16 year old. Doing 4 and half hours swim training a week and loving food.Thats me in the middle

I know I will never get to that size again so let’s flip forward a few years to me at 23

I wasn’t amazingly happy with my size here but looking back I love it. At that point I wanted to look like 16 year old me…. Now I want to look like this.

This is a progress shot from last year when I was doing pt. I was 12.5 stone. I wanted to loose another stone at least.

Here is me now. Over 14 stone…

Look at those stretch marks 😦 I have them under my arms, over my boobs, all over my hips. They disgust me 😦

I can’t take selfish any more as I can’t stand the sight of my own face. 

On the plus side my measurements have dropped after my bindge weekend which chucked me back into this awful mood as I hit 14.8 stone….

I will get there. I will be pretty again

Done

I’m done

Done with everything. Everything is getting me down and making me feel so low. 

I don’t know what too anymore.

Life just seems so funked, I wish I was a better person… I really do

Depression

Well my earlier blog was one I posted when I was upset earlier after shopping.

My depression is circling. I can’t seem to get any better. The more depressed I get, the more I want to eat… the more I eat the bigger Im getting… the bigger I get, the more depressed I get… 

I’m not coping with this at all. I don’t want to go onto medication… I don’t want to go back to the doctors like last time… It made me worse last time.

I cried on oh earlier after telling him now horrible bra shopping was. The mirrors, the stretch marks, the fat everywhere. I can’t take anymore of this.
What the hell can I do

Hating my body

….. I know a lot of people wouldn’t agree with what I’m about to say. Don’t get me wrong I know I’m not plus size….
But I hate my body. I hate looking in the mirror. It makes me want to cry. I see this fat belly, chubby face, stretchmarks on my legs, hips, books and under my arms…. My legs chaffe when I walk. I don’t fit into any of my nice clothes…. I’ve put on 2 stone in the last year…. And I hate it.

At 14 stone I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I can’t seem to shift it. 

I’m swimming 5k a week and getting no where fast 😦 I lost inch of my hips which is good…. But it’s not quick enough.
I want to be back to my beautiful self.

Back to a normal size for me

I can’t stand not seeing my collar bone and always having a double chin!

It’s depresses me even more… Which makes me want to eat shit… Then I loose all the hard work.

Spoke to a psychic…

So I spoke to a psychic the other day. Just for a little hope that a baby may come eventually. I know that 8 months the trying isn’t long but hey its a bit of fun….

I can see pregnancy anytime around you now and no later than 15 weeks.


I can see a healthy a baby girl born at 40 weeks of your pregnancy.

 


 
I do feel Vaginal delivery lasting under 9 hours


Birth- Wednesday 16.14pm


Weight 6lbs 7oz , 18 inches long 


She has slight colic from birth

 

 

I can see she will sleep through out the night from 8 weeks old


Her first word is Daddy…

My dog bit…

So blue is my 10 month old puppy. 

We have had him since he was 9 weeks old. Solicalised him around dogs at the day care centre, and people in town. I tried to do everything right by him. BUT he is nervous of people still. He would bark and run away, but not yesterday he bit my friend on the finger. 

We were watching a video on her laptop. He was being warey but taking treats off her so I continued to watch the video. He decided he was too worried by her and barked, lunged forward and bit her finger!

I feel so awful. He has never done this before and I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to give up on him, my heart is telling me not too. I love my massive squishy beast. 
But how can I raise a family with a dog I know to be like that?

Is it best for him to keep him separate if I can’t get a behaviourist to fix him? 😦 x

Cd1 month 9

Well here we go again. I’m getting more and more upset each bloody Cd1 

Can’t stand it 😦 babies and pregnant people everywhere at the moment doesn’t help. I just want to little one of my own. 

I don’t know why it doesn’t happen…. I got positive opk and bd at all the right times… More this month than ever before.

So why didn’t it work? How can people accidently get pregnant 😦 why can’t I? Feel like crying now. I mean seriously how can I not be pregnant. It’s happened before… It can happen again.

Only difference is I’m not on holiday…. And not drunk.

Maybe I need a month away on holiday hammered…. Maybe then I will vet pregnant. 

Thought swimming might help…. Nope…. Healthy eating then?…. Nope.

Ffs 

Cd26

Jfjrirnfjdjbfbfidnfbfndn 

Well keyboard rage is the only thing I can think of 😦

The past few days I’ve wanted to cry at everything, eat everything sweet and yesterday I was sick. I let myself believe that I could…. Just could be pregnant….. But nooooooo….. I just started spotting. Which means af will come tomorrow. 
Hybrildbdhdhdjdbdjdbd.

Fed up of all this surely my mc means I can get pregnant so why can’t I now??!?!?
We have had so much enjoyable sex at the right time… Surely it had to work 😦 

I don’t understand.