CD19… 6 days until test day

So here we are on day 19 of my first cycle being on metformin.

I was sick a few times yesterday and felt sick all day today. I’ve been wanting bananas which is weird as I don’t like them… Bit this isn’t the first time I felt like this. Last time was back in April I felt ill for a week before I tested and got a bfp…. But the day I was due my period it was faint so I know there is no point testing now. … I just have to wait. This bit suxka. I hate the 2 week wait. The ifs buts and maybes.

Maybe I’m reading into this all wrong…. Maybe I’m not. Feels just like last time but then I may just be getting my hopes up once again…. 

I feel a need to get pregnant now that wasn’t there before. I need to get pregnant to that I can have the baby I so so so want and then get back on contraception to control these hormones of pcos. I need to do it for my mental health

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My pcos diet… Lifestyle change

Well since getting metformin I think I’ve lost about half a stone in 3 weeks. 

I feel a lot better and less bloated. And mum and gran have said I look like I’ve lost weight. 

So I’ve been cutting back on all carbs and sugars and eating glow GL foods.
I prepped for my day tomorrow

Slimfast shake for breakfast and lunch, then the following to snack on

Hummus, cottage cheese, peppers, cucumber, mushroom cheese and ham. these are all low GL foods.

I will also take some rye crackers. Only 2 as these are high GL so will have to limit them. But if eaten with proteins my body will breakdown the carbs slower so my insulin shouldn’t rise so fast. 
Dinner is to be planned but I have some home made chilli which has no carbs in it or I may have the crustless quiche which is no pastry so low in carbs. Either With salad.

back pain sucks

I’ve been struggling with my back for ages now but can’t take any more!! I’ve booked in to see chiropractor for it. Something has to change :/ fed up with no sleep because of it. 

On too of all the other worries I’ve had enough of this pain too!

I thought he understood

It happened again

“please don’t be up late”. “ok I won’t”

Quarter past 3 I kick our mutual friend out and get him to come to bed…. Not late my ass….. But that’s only a small bit about what I’m pissed off about…. He’s ill anyway so tomorrow is going to be fun when he is tired too…. But I can deal with that…..
It’s another broken fucking promise.

I ask one this of him whilst we are trying to concieve….. To keep his beer at max 5 cans/pints a night when soicialising…. Did he do that NO! 

I don’t think he has a fucking clue how it makes me feel! If he does, it’s obvious he doesn’t give a shit.

Here I am… Not knowing if I ovulate… Not knowing how my body is failing at becoming a mother…. And I’m taking all these fucking tablets…. Cutting back on all the bad food….. Bloods….. Doctors appointments….. Exercise…. Treating my body like a fucking temple to try and have a baby…..

All he had to do is no more than 5 cans and he can’t even do that….. I didnt push the men’s said tablets…. I didn’t push that at all…. But just the drinking.

I told myself if he kept doing this, I would go back on contraception…. Is this his way of showing me he isn’t ready? Why does he do it? He can’t really want to hurt me like this? Does he just not care?
I’m heart broken right now… Sleeping in the spare room. I just can’t face him right now. Not when I’m crying for another broken promise.

talking….

I’ve started talking to chris more about how I’m feeling. Trying to let him in to understand instead if bottling it up. I find it hard because I don’t want to worry him. 

Money is getting better but it’s still really tight. We have paid the loan off I took out last year. But still in 3 overdrafts and owe my mum money. But we will get there. Debt is hard work. 

I’ve talked through so much with cheia. The money situat, the miscarriage, that we haven’t even had a glimpse of a positive since, the pcos, weight gain, the hair growth…. everything that’s getting me down and depressed. 

When the doctors ask if I’m ok… I’m saying I am… I don’t want to go on antidepressants… I don’t know if they would help…. I’m not as bad as I was last time I was on them…. But I am not in a good place. Im just not sure what to do on that front St the moment 

sat in my car…

I’m sat in my car, near my house. Knowing full well I should go inside and feed the pooches and snuggles with them in the sofa…. But I’m not…. I’m just sat here thinking. I’ve had a lovely dinner over and mum and dads. But I’m just sat here… I got in the car and my mood dropped. I feel like crap. I tried once again to talk to mum about how I’m feeling about things but once again she brushed it all off. I’m not fine, how ever much she wants me to be. I’m still trying for a baby…. As much as she says, once you stop trying it will happen.

 Hate it when she says that. I want a baby…. How do you stop trying once you want one, once you need one, once you realise that once you have had a baby, you can go back on a contraceptive and hopefully go back to being the person you were before…
I don’t want to go into an empty house, with just the dogs. I don’t want to be alone. I feel very alone sometimes and it sucks, so when I’m actually alone…. It sucks more 

A depression downer

So yesterday evening I flipped out.

Everything is getting to me. I’ve only just recently had a week off but I need a break. But can’t due to money. Joys of self employment I guess. 

I went skitso at chris and ended up having a complete breakdown all evening. Crying on and off until we went to bed.

I did my usually talking myself through all the things wrong in my life and all the things I hate about myself… Which makes me worse.

I feel like a complete failure when I’m in moods like this. Like nothing will ever go right. 

I’m stressing about money, work, baby, everything. It’s not nice.

So today I’m laid in bed hoping my depression attack hangover isn’t to bad today. We have a busy day ahead of us. 

doctors…..

So I went to the doctors for a catch up after my latest blood tests and my scans

Ovaries look good from scan no problems there

Bloods should be over 30 progesterone to say ovulation happened. But over 20 shows something could have happened. so we are retesting. Mine were 23.6 so I have to have more bloods taken this monh to check in ovulating properly.

Both of us have appointment Friday 4th to start the ball rolling for fertility referal. But I need a bmi of less than 30. Currently 31.

I need to loose 5kg. 

Weigh in today was 93kg

X

ifs, but and scans….

A bit of a miss matched post tosay. I’m a bit up and down. 

I have my scans yesterday and the tech said I have no cysts on my ovaries and it looks like a follicle on my left side may have released an egg, but she couldn’t see one, but that’s common. So now it’s time to just wait for the doctors to see what they say about the results.

I haven’t done it in months… And I know I really shouldn’t but I looked back at my due date… And how far along I should be from my miscarriage. I would have been due est Dec 16th, I would be in my 3rd trimester now at 29 weeks and the babe would have been the size of a squash. 😦 

I so wish it would have stuck x