1 week on

So it’s been a week since I found out my baby had gone.

I tried to go back to work. Being self employed sucks in this situation. I can’t afford people to cover me really. But I just couldn’t do it. I managed 4 hours.i can’t stop appologising to my mum and husband who are the ones having to cover me.

I’m crying but no more tears seem to come. My chest actually hurts, feels like my heart is broke in two. I feel lost, I feel like I want to withdraw from everything and hide. I don’t want to let people down but can’t do anything 

I have woken up…. And it hurts like hell. I want my baby back

Advertisements

day 6

Well today has definitely been the hardest day so far. I feel lost, numb and broken. I feel like a shell of what I should be. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore 

in a dream state

I feel so lost… 

I feel like I’ve been in a dream for the last 7 weeks and now I’ve woken up. And the realisation and grogginess of a vivid dream is all there. 

Or

This is all a dream, it’s not real, in a minute I will wake up and everything will be ok…..

But I know it’s not.

I know I’m awake, I know the pain will kick in properly soon…. I know I’m no longer going to be a mum to the child I was carrying. I’m not pregnant anymore, however much I wish I was….. It doesn’t feel real yet…

When will it feel real? My heart is in two, I’m trying to keep it together…. I need to keep it together.

Miscarriage

​Repost 

“I had to pee so badly but they wouldn’t let me go. They said I needed a full bladder because it’s easier to see the baby during the ultrasound. I remember feeling so frustrated not only because of my full bladder, but because I had to fill out what seemed like 50 pages of paperwork before I could empty my bladder and see the baby I’d been waiting to see for 8 weeks. 

I finally was walked to the back room where I was greeted with a smile from everyone because the happiness from carrying a baby was contagious. The ultrasound began and I saw the images right in front of me. My heart was beating out of my chest. This was exciting! 

This was a day my husband and I had been waiting for, for over a year.

But these images were different than the ones I’ve seen on Facebook that all my girlfriends had posted, something was wrong.

I saw nothing because my body was just hours away from miscarrying.

My ultrasound tech was quiet and I just knew. She left the room and my husband quickly assured me that “everything is fine.” But don’t tell that to a girl who has seen hundreds of ultrasound photos, who has searched Instagram for the hashtag “8weeks” to see what her baby now looked like. 

I knew it wasn’t right and it wasn’t. 

I remember being afraid to cry. I didn’t feel as if I deserved to cry because “I wasn’t that far along,” and “this happens all the time.” 

I remember holding back the tears with every ounce of my being and not being able to look my husband in the face because I knew his pain would break me.

I was sent home to let my body naturally run its course and it did. I felt everything but had nothing to show for it. My doctor didn’t let me leave without warning and she was right about everything. But what she didn’t warn me about was everything that would happen after the initial heartbreak and pain.

She didn’t tell me I was going to be reminded for weeks to come because my body was going to take that long to “clean out.” She didn’t tell me I was going to have to watch my husband weep. She didn’t tell me how hard it was going to be to tell my mom what had happened. She didn’t tell me that my body was going to continue thinking it was pregnant for weeks to come. She didn’t tell me how hard it was going be to tell people I was fine when I wasn’t. She didn’t tell me that this was going to make me a jealous person over-night. She didn’t tell me how much harder the question “when are you having kids?” was going to be. And she didn’t tell me that it was going to be so hard losing someone I had never met.

But she did tell me it was okay to cry and she did tell me that I wasn’t alone. 

Miscarriages are SO real and so common, in fact, one out of four women experience a miscarriage; but don’t let that confuse you into thinking it hurts any less. As large as this statistic is, I still felt alone and I have finally figured out why: because no one talks about it. 

It wasn’t until I started talking about it to my friends and family that I slowly realized I wasn’t alone. That my mom, my aunt, my sister, my sisters best friend all have experienced this heartbreak and pain, a heartbreak and pain I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. 

People may wonder why I choose to talk about this after months have passed, but it’s the harsh reality that time really doesn’t heal all wounds so I am hoping sharing my story will help with the healing process. I am not looking for pity and I am not looking for answers. I am sharing this so that maybe one less woman will feel alone and use this as a reminder or message that there is hope after this heartbreak. 

This is my hope for you…

I hope that you won’t feel alone. 

I hope that you let yourself cry.

I hope that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I hope that though your faith will be tested, you will be strong. 

I hope you find peace.

I hope you won’t be afraid to try again. 

I hope that you don’t blame yourself. 

I hope that your friends hug you a little tighter. 

I hope that you give someone else hope through your hardship 

I hope that you are a light in the darkest of time. 

…and I hope that you celebrate that baby’s life as much as you celebrate the next because no matter how short a life, all life deserves to be celebrated and all loss should be mourned.

Feel free to share if this spoke to you or you feel as if it might speak to someone you know.”

{Matthew 7:7}

#LoveWhatMatters

Credit: Emily Christine

spotting still… And new trousers

So I’m still spotting it got worse yesterday and then was pretty much gone by the evening but was back a little more this morning. I’m still really worried but I’m hopefully that everything is ok. 

I can’t wait for the scan tomorrow morning though. I just need to know everything is ok.
On a plus point I bough some new trousers off Amazon. Loose, yoga type pants. They fit wonderfully and cover my whole belly like maternity trousers! 

Pregnancy journal 7/55

  1. Have you always wanted to be a parent?

Yes I have. I come from a big family, and have always know I wanted at least a couple of kids. I would like an even number so… 2 or 4. Depends on how it goes really. I may not want to ever do this again haha.

I loved growing up with younger siblings and helping look after them. I knew it’s something I wanted to do.

I hope I will be maternal and be a good mum. I hope I don’t worry too much… 

spotting again.

I started spotting again yesterday morning. And have been since then, so two whole days. 

I phoned the midwives today and got an appointment first thing Monday morning with early pregnancy unit again. 

I’m really worried about it. I started exercising again and had sex. I’m so hoping that the cause and not another miscaridge. 

We are 10+3 today. 

pregnancy pilllow

Omg this thing is amazing. I’m currently curled up in it now. I’ve had it two nights and it’s been wonderful! Tamsin have it to me as she doesn’t use it anymore since Alister was born. I’ve not slept so well in so long. I suffer with a real bad back since I gained weight. This makes me really struggle getting comfortable. But this pillow has helped so much already.

10 weeks!!!

Hello 10 weeks 

This isn’t a baby bump which annoys me. It’s just my weight gain. I’m glad to have gotten to 10 weeks. Things are going really well. 

But I’m trying to get my diet under control again. I’ve put on so much weight and those stretch marks are getting worse!

But I will get there! 

We found it really funny that the app o use said that bean was size of a Lego man. I found it a lot easier to relate to that the fruits.