its back with full force

So my depression and grief is back in full force. I cried myself to sleep last night, held by my beautiful husband. He’s so understanding, it’s amazing. 

I don’t think it being my time of the month is helping, bleeding again….. Stomach pains which are worse than pre d+c. And just as bad as the ache I had for a few days after.

I feel empty and drained. I feel like I’m going through it all over again. Constantly tired and I have no motivation. I struggled to get out of bed again this morning…. Struggled to put myself to bed last night. 

Today I just want to curl up and cry. 

I haven’t got any food prep done so lunch is going to be a struggle today. I wish I was more prepared. I should be. I planned it all out…. 

Feel like I’m failing Chris when I’m like this. I should be stronger. 

I have my first councelling appointment on Monday with the specialist miscarriage councellor. I’ve given myself the morning off. I don’t want to come into work a mess or feel like I have to rush. 

I hope we can’t start something regular that will help me through the guilt of not being strong enough to deal with this, the depression and the anxiety. I really don’t like being alone. I avoid it at all costs. If I’m alone, I need to keep busy… But as soon as I sit down… I can loose so much time just sitting there…. It’s scary. I get times where I’ve thought of really bad things…. But the one thing that keeps coming into my mind is wanting to run…. Run away from everything…. Go hide under a rock. But I can’t. I have a house… A business… A husband… 

Can I run…… Please…. Pretty please…  

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my first period after i thought i would be a mum…

So here it is…. 4 weeks after I passed my beautiful little bean my period is back. It’s horrible. I’m in more pain than I was with my miscarriage. It’s brought back all the feelings from my miscarriage too I’m an emotional wreck. I’m not coping. 

I’ve always coped well with my friends kids but yesterday was hard. Chris was holding baby Ali. It was perfect. It was everything I should have been able to give him. If my first pregnancy hadn’t ended in an early miscarriage I would have had a baby the same age and the picture below would have been every day…

Last couple days have been really really hard. But I’ve got an appointment with my councillor on Monday morning. So hopefully we can work out a plan.

Really need some help

quotes and pictures

Here are some quotes from others and pictures that have been helping or touched me.
Grief, after the initial shock of loss, comes on in waves…

When your driving alone in your car, while you’re doing the dishes, while you’re getting ready for work… And all of a sudden it hits you… How so very much you miss someone, and your breath catches, and your tears flow, and the sadness is so great it’s physically painful…

life going on…. maybe… 3 weeks

So I’m struggling. I won’t deny that. I have my better days…. I won’t say good… Because they still hurt like hell…I still want to cry all the time but I’m holding it together…. Getting on with life.

I have to.
3 weeks since my op… I should be 15/weeks pregnant… I should be getting excited…. I should be decorating the spare room. But instead I’m Sat at work… Wanting to cry. Haven’t done anything to spare room… What’s the point…. The house is a mess… What’s the point…. Work is all going wrong…. I need to sort that. I want to run away. Start again somewhere new but I can’t so that. I want to get out of my own head. I don’t want to be me.

Chris has been amazing. Hugging me when I need it, looking after me so well. We have had a few tiffs but it’s expected. We are tired and hurting. It’s going to be pretty normal surely. 

Trying to get back into my exercise but motivation is hard to come by, again, all I want to do is sleep. I went to stretch last night but teacher was off so it was yoga instead. Was good relaxation and helped my back. But not what I was expecting at all. 

no more tears…..

I’m trying so hard, so so hard. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to be OK. I don’t want to be going through this. It’s broken my heart. I feel so numb constantly, my heart hurts.

I wake up every morning… And it’s gone…. I go to bed every night…. And it’s gone. How the hell can I get over this again. 

My eyes are always so heavy, all I want to do is sleep. 

I’m trying to b more motivated. It keeps the tears at bay but that’s it. It low feelings, the sadness, the numb pain doesn’t go…. How ever much I get done or keep distracted.

I hate crying on Chris all the time. Must make him feel so useless 😦 I have doing that to him. I have to stop. I need to be me. But how can I be me when part of me has been taken away again. I was more attached this time and I feel the loss so much more. 

I doubt things will get better until I conceive again…. And that could be a long time if last time was anything to go by. But let’s just hope my metformin does the job and I catch fast. 

2 weeks on….

So it’s been two weeks since we found out our baby was no longer. 

My heart still hurts everyday. I think it’s getting easier though…. I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just getting numb to the pain. I know i feel feel numb still. I get upset easily, i keep seeing baby stuff everywhere…. Kids everywhere… Pregnant women everywhere…. It hurts like hell. 

I was meant to be a mum already… From my pregnancy back in April… And i was meant to be looking forward to becoming a mum in august but that got taken away from me too. It’s just not fair. None of it is fair. I want to scream about how unfair it is. 

I want to fuck off somewhere else and not come back…. I can’t be doing with all the stress… All the worry… All the bad thoughts in my head.

Will i ever become a mum? Doesn’t feel like it right now. Feel like i will never get there. 

I feel useless, i don’t want to do anything. I’ve made myself a bloody children’s reward chard just to get through each day. To make sure i do something. A visual aid to keep me going, to amke sure i do at least one household chore a day, To keep my eating healthy.

People don’t realise how much this hurts. 

all i want to do is sleep

All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. 

I struggle so bad in the mornings and the evenings and this morning is no acception. 

I don’t want to get up. I’ve found a position that isn’t kicking off my trapped nerve, my face is so painful from my infection around my wisdoms tooth, I have a headache and I just feel emotionally shit again. 
I want to stay curled up in bed, take my painkiller and hide from the world. Misscarrige is shitty and horrible. Im an emotional wreck. I dream about my baby, think about my baby all day. It was mine. And now it’s gone. I want to cry all the time 😦 but I have a life to live… Work to do…. I can’t give up like I want to. And I really want to