its back with full force

So my depression and grief is back in full force. I cried myself to sleep last night, held by my beautiful husband. He’s so understanding, it’s amazing. 

I don’t think it being my time of the month is helping, bleeding again….. Stomach pains which are worse than pre d+c. And just as bad as the ache I had for a few days after.

I feel empty and drained. I feel like I’m going through it all over again. Constantly tired and I have no motivation. I struggled to get out of bed again this morning…. Struggled to put myself to bed last night. 

Today I just want to curl up and cry. 

I haven’t got any food prep done so lunch is going to be a struggle today. I wish I was more prepared. I should be. I planned it all out…. 

Feel like I’m failing Chris when I’m like this. I should be stronger. 

I have my first councelling appointment on Monday with the specialist miscarriage councellor. I’ve given myself the morning off. I don’t want to come into work a mess or feel like I have to rush. 

I hope we can’t start something regular that will help me through the guilt of not being strong enough to deal with this, the depression and the anxiety. I really don’t like being alone. I avoid it at all costs. If I’m alone, I need to keep busy… But as soon as I sit down… I can loose so much time just sitting there…. It’s scary. I get times where I’ve thought of really bad things…. But the one thing that keeps coming into my mind is wanting to run…. Run away from everything…. Go hide under a rock. But I can’t. I have a house… A business… A husband… 

Can I run…… Please…. Pretty please…  

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