So things went well at the weekend. It was hard but I managed to get through it and had a good night at the party.
But since then have taken a step back in my recovery. I’ve been really really low this week crying a lot and struggling to get up again. I had a breakdown in public on Tuesday because of babies and children on the train. Stopped myself having an anxiety attack though thank God! That would have been too much. Then a little baby came into Costa crying away and breastfeeding. It hurt like hell. That should be me.
Chris has been amazing though. Helping me get up, making sure I’m ok. Holding me when I need it most.
I had my first proper councelling appointment yesterday. And I feel rough as fuck. They have to go right back before they can heal me as much. So here I am back to square one after talking about the days I lost both my babies. And it hurts like hell again. I’ve blocked it out since it happened and now it’s in the forefront of my mind again.
It’s all I can think of, but then that’s no different to normal. I think of them every day at the moment. There’s been no escape. Fat ugly Stevie… That can’t hold onto a baby. Maybe it’s my weight, maybe it’s my hormones levels… I don’t know… Maybe it’s stress… If it’s stress then I’m fucked as I’m going to be a wreck if I get pregnant again…. If…. That’s how I feel right now….. Doesn’t feel like it will ever happen, feels like I will never get my happy end, how ever much I want it.
So I’m currently laid in bed at my God mums house in London.
I didn’t know if I would make it here. My anxiety has been through the roof at the thought of coming. It’s my God sisters 21st birthday. So usually I would be well up for a party and wouldn’t have even thought about not coming. But it’s taken slot for me to get here. I was worried about coming. Worried about being away from my home. Being away from my safe place and being away from my husband.
But I’m here. I made it. Now to get through the party….. I feel sick at the thought of it. 2 bottles of wine should help!
O and on the topic of my anxiety, I managed to send food back yesterday. Again I felt sick about it but I did it. I ordered a peanut butter chocolate pudding. It came out with a tonne of cooked ripe banana…. Which it didn’t say on the menu and definitely not what I wanted. I like banana on my terms .. (they have to be unripe and only in things or at specific times) so I sent it back and got something different.
I had a call from midwife team yesterday afternoon asking to book in for my 18 week appointment…. I mean seriously how unprofessional can they get. I was having an amazing day and then I got that call. And que all the feels coming back. Anger to start, then by dinner I was feeling very sad about everything again. I ended up dreaming about baby last night and struggling all day today with my emotions, I cried this morning again.
So I had my introduction/enrolment session with Choices pregnancy centre today, for councelling for my miscarriages.
It was hard, emotionally draining and tiring.
We talking though whats going to happen over the next 10 weeks and basically did all the paperwork. I kept my emotions in check as I knew it wasn’t the time to talk deeply about how I was feeling. But all the questions did bring up a lot of feelings and made the rest of the day pretty hard to deal with.
I will be having weekly appointments over next 10 weeks or so. So I hope this will help.
Today marks 10 years that me and Chris have been together. I could not ask for a better partner in crime.
The last year has been tough as hell. But we are still here, still strong as ever. He picks me up when I need him most, makes me laugh when I find it too hard to smile. Cooks and cleans for me when I have my melt downs, and always makes sure I have everything I need.
As I lay next to him in bed this morning. I know that he is everything I need and more. And I hope he knows that…. Even if he does snore, farts so bad that he can empty the room, wind me up to the point of frustration, and has to reminded every 6 months to fix that ‘thing’ hehe! He is mine and always will be.
So heres to us. And here is to sticking through everything, never giving up but fixing things instead.
Just seen another pregnancy announcement on Facebook…. And it made me so angry that I actually got so upset by it.
Why is it not me? why can’t I have mine still? Why can they accidentally fall pregnant and I can’t? Why can some people fall straight away? Why am I sat here a year after conceiveing my first baby… With no baby and no pregnancy? How is that fucking fair. How does the world do this to someone?
I want to get over this now….. But I know that’s not going to happen at all.
I’ve had a really bad couple of days. I’ve not wanted to do anything or be alone.
I had a couple of panic attacks on Friday when Chris went out. I feel so guilty for it as it’s because I was alone. I hate being alone. And I’ve been a mess ever since. I cried on my mum today. I just feel so shit. It’s horrible. I had a couple hours on my own today. I cried a little, then made myself get on with stuff.
It’s hard to explain this I still hurt so much. It’s nearly a year since my first positive, it’s nearly mother’s day and I’m meant to be a mum. I still wake up feeling empty inside. I still hold my belly wishing it was a baby and not fat. I’m meant to be nearly 18 weeks. I’m meant to be getting excited to see my baby again. I’m suppose to be arriving with myself about if I want to find out the sex or not. I’m meant to be happy.
Instead I’m struggling with my weight. Struggling to have normal relationships with the people around me. Struggling to get out of bed in the morning. Struggling to motivate myself at work. I don’t want to be there, here or anywhere. I want to drive and drive and not come back.
I can barely make eye contact with people people (even Chris), I can’t. They might just see right through me. See the pain inside. See that the mask is starting to crack. I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. It’s exhausting. And no one really understands.
So the last week has been ok. A socially busy one but with small groups of people so it didn’t kick my anxiety off. It’s helped a bit. I’ve had a few tears here and there. But it’s been a better week.
I know I’m still struggling and I know I’m still hiding. I’m trying not to.
I am trying to book in with a specialist counceller in Exeter but finding a date to start is difficult. I’m scared…. On good days I don’t feel like I need it but days like today I feel talking to someone would really help.
I don’t want to burden Chris every time. I know he wants me to. But it’s the same shit every time. When will I get over this 😦
I’m due my period again next week, I know it’s coming. We haven’t done enough for it to not come. Sucks that I’m due on the day of our 10 years anniversary. But hey how. Life’s a bitch…. I’ve worked that out.
It also marks a year since we concieved the first time. We had a week off this time last year. It’s a kick in the teeth that we are still no closer to having our baby.
I feel so drained about it all. I feel like it will never happen. I’m just not that lucky…. Yeah I can win £20 on scrstch cards apparently but having a baby….. I’m not that lucky yet.
I envy people that haven’t even been trying, I envy people that it comes so easy to. All these babies around and I’m told my time will come soon. I’ve been pregnant before…. It will happen. Well fuck you. How do you know. How do you know that I will ever carry to full term. Are you some mystic Meg that can tell me when? Because I would love to know.
My heart aches at the thought that I’ve lost 2. I’m scared of the thought of another. I feel like I know that if I get pregnant again, there is no point in being excited…. I know what’s going to happen…. And I’m just going to get hurt again.
It’s hard enough to not curl up into a ball and hide away now…. What would I be like after another. It’s changed my life so much. I’m not the same. I never will be.
So I woke at 4:30 needing to pee… Dogs starting having a moan . So had to deal with that….Chris stared snoring…. And now Im wide awake. My alarm goes off in 3/4 hour….And I can’t get back to sleep.
I feel exhausted already. And today hasn’t even started yet.
I’m emotionally drained and ready for a day off on Tuesday. I need a reboot. This is when self employment sucks . I need a break 😦 I need a holiday but can’t afford one.
I’m laid in bed remembering little b. How excited I was on 3rd December when I found out I was pregnant again. Remembering the scan on 29th and seeing it’s little heart beat and knowing all was OK…. To finding out 6 weeks go I was having another miscarriage.
How is that fair, how can this happen again to me. We are trying again but I’m so scared about it. I want it but I don’t want the pain of going through this again. I wish I knew a way to make sure it didn’t happen again.
I’m tired from having to put a mask on all the time. It’s hard work trying to be happy. All I want to do is curl up with the baby bits we bought….. and cry. Chris has moved them. I don’t know where to. I’m scared to look. I know it will make me cry. My mask is something I have to put on… I can’t let the public/customers/employees see me in a mess. I just can’t. But then I struggle to take the mask off. I hide from my husband and close family, until I’m tired, angry or really low and then I really breakdown…. It’s not good. I know I should be more open with them but I struggle. I don’t want people to see my pain. A pain I don’t think will ever go. I feel I need to perfect this mask….. I feel like I’m going to be wearing it for ever.
The loss of both my pregnancies has definitely hit me harder that I have ever thought it would. I always thought I would be stronger than i have been. Before my first I was sure it seemed silly to love something so quickly and be so upset that it had gone.
But then it happened…. Twice…. Seeing the scan of my second angel made it worse, because the pregnancy was more real. It was my baby. There it was, on the screen, little heart beating away. Only to be told a few weeks later it had died and my body didn’t want to let go.
I’ve been a mum… Twice. I never saw baby 1 but I knew they were there. I knew it was inside me and I loved it from the second I saw that second line. For how ever breif… I was a mum. Baby 2 I saw but never felt, it made me feel sick and tired and everything it should. I was up all night needing a wee. I knew I was a mum. But I’m sorry baby 2 but it wasn’t your time. I can’t name you, I wish I could, but I don’t know if either of you were a boy or a girl. But you were my babies all the same. And I love you, I always will.
Grief catches hold of me when I think of you both. Of B1 held on I would be a mummy to a baby a few months old. If B2 had…. Well I would be getting excited over my second scan coming soon. And working out if I wanted to find out if you were going to be a Freddie or a Miya.
Grief is horrible. Today it hit me really hard when I got home. I came in, let the dogs out and crashed. It feels like I die inside. I can’t do anything I sit down and I don’t move… I cry and cry, until there are no more tears. And I go numb. I can’t do anything. Then I feel guilty for not being able to do anything and it makes me worse. I feel bad I can’t cook the dinner, or do the laundry or dishwasher. I feel awful that I just can’t do it. I have no motivation, no energy. I cried whilst making dinner. I didn’t want to do it. But I know I had to do something. Chris offered but I needed to do it for me. Prove to myself that I am still a person, that I can function even if I’m numb inside and out. If nothing.. I need to be able to feed myself.
How long will this last? Until I’m pregnant again? Until I have some joy back in my life? What if it takes another year? I can’t be like this for another year? It scares me. I’m scared I will push away the ones I live. Scared that I will never come through this and be a happy person. Scared the depression and anxiety I feel will never leave me. Will I always worry like I am right now? Will I be the social butterfly I used to be? Or will the anxiety stop me for good?
So the last few days have been really hard. I’ve been struggling a lot again with everything.
On Monday I have an appointment with a specialist counceller at the epu in Exeter. She’s called Vicky. She was a overly Larry and chatting to her really helped me realise that even though the my MC seems so long ago… 5 weeks have gone really fast and I’m still healing. My wound is very much open and I’m still very broken. But I will get better… Slowly. We also worked out that I use my mask on Chris and mum and I need to stop doing this. I need to tell them I’m not OK, I need to let myself be not ok… If that makes sense.
We went to a gig monday night and caught up with loads of people that we hadn’t seen in ages. I should have enjoyed the evening but I couldn’t. I struggled talking to my friends, the only thing on my mind is my MC… I can’t talk about that with them…. if felt miserable the whole night, but then again in like that all the time at the moment. But usually socialising helps, but it didn’t this time.
Yesterday wasn’t amazing either, I felt stupidly low and depressed. None of my clothes seen to fit again… Even with losing 4lbs in the last 3 weeks… How are things feeling smaller 😦
But pancakes with the family and a well needed bath when I got home really helped. It was my first proper bath since my MC where I shaved and really sort d myself out. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve showered and bathed since but was always a quick, normal wash. I spent ages on myself last night which was needed. I felt a lot more relaxed after.