So I woke at 4:30 needing to pee… Dogs starting having a moan . So had to deal with that….Chris stared snoring…. And now Im wide awake. My alarm goes off in 3/4 hour….And I can’t get back to sleep.
I feel exhausted already. And today hasn’t even started yet.
I’m emotionally drained and ready for a day off on Tuesday. I need a reboot. This is when self employment sucks . I need a break 😦 I need a holiday but can’t afford one.
I’m laid in bed remembering little b. How excited I was on 3rd December when I found out I was pregnant again. Remembering the scan on 29th and seeing it’s little heart beat and knowing all was OK…. To finding out 6 weeks go I was having another miscarriage.
How is that fair, how can this happen again to me. We are trying again but I’m so scared about it. I want it but I don’t want the pain of going through this again. I wish I knew a way to make sure it didn’t happen again.
I’m tired from having to put a mask on all the time. It’s hard work trying to be happy. All I want to do is curl up with the baby bits we bought….. and cry. Chris has moved them. I don’t know where to. I’m scared to look. I know it will make me cry. My mask is something I have to put on… I can’t let the public/customers/employees see me in a mess. I just can’t. But then I struggle to take the mask off. I hide from my husband and close family, until I’m tired, angry or really low and then I really breakdown…. It’s not good. I know I should be more open with them but I struggle. I don’t want people to see my pain. A pain I don’t think will ever go. I feel I need to perfect this mask….. I feel like I’m going to be wearing it for ever.