5:30am…..

So I woke at 4:30 needing to pee… Dogs starting having a moan . So had to deal with that….Chris stared snoring…. And now Im wide awake. My alarm goes off in 3/4 hour….And I can’t get back to sleep.

I feel exhausted already. And today hasn’t even started yet. 

I’m emotionally drained and ready for a day off on Tuesday. I need a reboot. This is when self employment sucks . I need a break 😦 I need a holiday but can’t afford one.

I’m laid in bed remembering little b. How excited I was on 3rd December when  I found out I was pregnant again. Remembering the scan on 29th and seeing it’s little heart beat and knowing all was OK…. To finding out 6 weeks go I was having another miscarriage. 

How is that fair, how can this happen again to me. We are trying again but I’m so scared about it. I want it but I don’t want the pain of going through this again. I wish I knew a way to make sure it didn’t happen again. 

I’m tired from having to put a mask on all the time. It’s hard work trying to be happy. All I want to do is curl up with the baby bits we bought….. and cry. Chris has moved them. I don’t know where to. I’m scared to look. I know it will make me cry. My mask is something I have to put on… I can’t let the public/customers/employees see me in a mess.  I just can’t. But then I struggle to take the mask off. I hide from my husband and close family, until I’m tired, angry or really low and then I really breakdown…. It’s not good. I know I should be more open with them but I struggle. I don’t want people to see my pain. A pain I don’t think will ever go. I feel I need to perfect this mask….. I feel like I’m going to be wearing it for ever.

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One thought on “5:30am…..

  1. No you aren’t, you aren’t going to have to wear this mask forever. I know it hurts, it hurts a lot, and it’s totally okay to feel the way you do, and it’s good to be able to cry and let it out. You’ll get through this, no matter how impossible it seems now. One day, you’ll look back and read this post, and smile to yourself, while you hold your baby in your arms. Hugs your way. 💕 Ironically, my last post on my blog may just give you a little bit of hope. Much love, MM

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