the last week….

So the last week has been ok. A socially busy one but with small groups of people so it didn’t kick my anxiety off. It’s helped a bit. I’ve had a few tears here and there. But it’s been a better week. 

I know I’m still struggling and I know I’m still hiding. I’m trying not to. 

I am trying to book in with a specialist counceller in Exeter but finding a date to start is difficult. I’m scared…. On good days I don’t feel like I need it but days like today I feel talking to someone would really help.

I don’t want to burden Chris every time. I know he wants me to. But it’s the same shit every time. When will I get over this 😦 

I’m due my period again next week, I know it’s coming. We haven’t done enough for it to not come. Sucks that I’m due on the day of our 10 years anniversary. But hey how. Life’s a bitch…. I’ve worked that out.

It also marks a year since we concieved the first time. We had a week off this time last year. It’s a kick in the teeth that we are still no closer to having our baby. 

I feel so drained about it all. I feel like it will never happen. I’m just not that lucky…. Yeah I can win £20 on scrstch cards apparently but having a baby….. I’m not that lucky yet.

I envy people that haven’t even been trying, I envy people that it comes so easy to. All these babies around and I’m told my time will come soon. I’ve been pregnant before…. It will happen. Well fuck you. How do you know. How do you know that I will ever carry to full term. Are you some mystic Meg that can tell me when? Because I would love to know.

My heart aches at the thought that I’ve lost 2. I’m scared of the thought of another. I feel like I know that if I get pregnant again, there is no point in being excited…. I know what’s going to happen…. And I’m just going to get hurt again. 

It’s hard enough to not curl up into a ball and hide away now…. What would I be like after another. It’s changed my life so much. I’m not the same. I never will be. 

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