i want to get over this now….

I want to get over this now….. But I know that’s not going to happen at all. 

I’ve had a really bad couple of days. I’ve not wanted to do anything or be alone.

I had a couple of panic attacks on Friday when Chris went out. I feel so guilty for it as it’s because I was alone. I hate being alone. And I’ve been a mess ever since. I cried on my mum today. I just feel so shit. It’s horrible. I had a couple hours on my own today. I cried a little, then made myself get on with stuff. 

It’s hard to explain this I still hurt so much. It’s nearly a year since my first positive, it’s nearly mother’s day and I’m meant to be a mum. I still wake up feeling empty inside. I still hold my belly wishing it was a baby and not fat. I’m meant to be nearly 18 weeks. I’m meant to be getting excited to see my baby again. I’m suppose to be arriving with myself about if I want to find out the sex or not. I’m meant to be happy.

Instead I’m struggling with my weight. Struggling to have normal relationships with the people around me. Struggling to get out of bed in the morning. Struggling to motivate myself at work. I don’t want to be there, here or anywhere. I want to drive and drive and not come back. 

I can barely make eye contact with people people (even Chris), I can’t. They might just see right through me. See the pain inside. See that the mask is starting to crack. I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. It’s exhausting. And no one really understands.

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