after the trip.

So things went well at the weekend. It was hard but I managed to get through it and had a good night at the party.

But since then have taken a step back in my recovery. I’ve been really really low this week crying a lot and struggling to get up again. I had a breakdown in public on Tuesday because of babies and children on the train. Stopped myself having an anxiety attack though thank God! That would have been too much. Then a little baby came into Costa crying away and breastfeeding. It hurt like hell. That should be me. 

Chris has been amazing though. Helping me get up, making sure I’m ok. Holding me when I need it most. 

I had my first proper councelling appointment yesterday. And I feel rough as fuck. They have to go right back before they can heal me as much. So here I am back to square one after talking about the days I lost both my babies. And it hurts like hell again. I’ve blocked it out since it happened and now it’s in the forefront of my mind again. 

It’s all I can think of, but then that’s no different to normal. I think of them every day at the moment. There’s been no escape. Fat ugly Stevie… That can’t hold onto a baby. Maybe it’s my weight, maybe it’s my hormones levels… I don’t know… Maybe it’s stress… If it’s stress then I’m fucked as I’m going to be a wreck if I get pregnant again…. If…. That’s how I feel right now….. Doesn’t feel like it will ever happen, feels like I will never get my happy end, how ever much I want it.

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