fed up

I’m feeling really fed up this morning with my weight and this diet. Im just tired of the on going battle, the tracking, the rule it has over my life, I wish I could be done with it. But if I don’t I gain 2lbs a week…. I’m just so fed up. I hate that it rules me like this. I hate that I don’t have a choice. 

Bah why can’t it be easier

wanting a baby so badly…

I’m feeling very positive this week. It helps that my period is over… And I’m on holiday and very relaxed. Even though we are decorating and still doing a lot. It’s just not work. Which is nice.

I still have moments my chest hurts though. I see friends with their little ones out enjoying the sunshine. I see the pictures online and wish it was me. We met up with my friend tamsin and I wished it was me carrying my baby around. 

So yes I’m feeling more positive but im still wishing it was me. I’m struggling to understand why it’s not. Yes I have PCOS…. But I have concieved twice…. So why won’t it happen again. What am I doing wrong. Everyone tells you to relax but it’s not that easy and it’s the worst thing to hear. Relax…. What do they know…. 

councelling -denial

I had my councelling session today. We covered a lot of things. We talked a lot about yesterday and how finding out my assistant manager is pregnant. I feel a lot calmer about it. I think I’m just tired now after zero sleep last night. I’m hoping that the pang in my chest goes every time I think of it soon.

We covered denial today. We worked out that I was in a lot of denial to begin with. Especially when I was feeling in a dream state. I was in between denying that it never happened and denial that I had gone through another miscarriage. I think I passed through denial probably a month or so after the miscarriage. 

I worked out that I still blame myself, coming off the metformin and being usuare about the effect it had on my hormones still plays a forefront in my mind. I’m very uncertain about it. I really think that coming off the tablets may have contributed to my miscarriage a long with stress from the council about work. Knowing I’m sensitive to stress anyway…. I will always think that it contributed to it too.
I realised that, when the counceller asked about this blog that I probably, in the heat of the moment written stuff about Chris that at the time I thought but didn’t mean. A split second of feeling shit about something and if I’m writing I will write it down too. 

Today in my session I realised how important he is to me. I realised that without him being there and worrying about me and looking after me as much as he has done… I could have been in a lot darker place, I could be a lot worse than I am. Him, and all the other members of my family have helped so much. 

I couldn’t be without these two

My assistant manager is pregnant

I had a complete breakdown yesterday. I lost it totally when I got home, I was able to hold it all in whilst at work thank God. But now I feel like I’m back to square one. I’m angry, I’m hurting, I can’t sleep, all I want to do is cry.

All because my assistant manager is pregnant. She’s 5 weeks. She wanted to tell me asap for 2 reasons. One because obviously it will effect work and 2 because she didn’t want to hide it from me. She know what I’ve been through.

How is to fair. She wasn’t actively trying…. Her and her husband just got carried away and did use a condom and BAM pregnant…. Why can’t that happen to me?? Why can’t I just fall pregnant that easily? What’s wrong with me. It’s just not fair. 

But now I’m a complete fucking mess and I hate it. I want to throw things and scream and shout. I want to just cry and sleep but I can’t sleep. It’s ten to 5…. I’ve been up since half 3. I’m going for a walk in a min. I can’t cope with just sitting about. 

How is it fair.

I have to watch everything I eat, every fucking calorie… Every fucking carb and every fucking protein….. Just to loose a little weight. I’m struggling to have children and think there is something wrong with me. I have major depression and anxiety​. Why can’t life give me a fucking break. Why do I have to have all the shit. Why do I have to gain weight if I act like a normal human being, why can’t I have a baby, why do I have to shave my face at least once a week. Why do I have to look and feel so fat and ugly. Why can’t I just be happy. Life sucks. I just want to run away and forget about it all. Run away and never come back…… Now that is so tempting

i wish it would end

I cried again last night, I cried because I miss my baby. I should be 20 weeks. I should be half way there, I should be able to know the sex if I wanted. But I’m not, I can’t.

I cried because my cousin has 5 weeks left and I wish it was me. I’m excited for her but so jealous of that bump. Where is mine 😦

I cried ecause deep down how ever much I’m wishing for it, I’m not pregnant again this month. I have 5 days until I’m due on. I m tired, feel sick and have acid reflux again. Which is all the symptoms of the last two pregnancies… But I know I’m not. Good things don’t happen like that at the moment. 

Life won’t give me the break I need.

One year on…

A year ago today (4) I wasn’t feeling well.

A year ago tomorrow (5) I got my first ever faint positive and didn’t believe it.

A year ago on the following day (6) I got my positive that we have been waiting for since november

On the 8th we told my mum, dad and the kids. 

Never did I even consider loosing that little bean. And never did I even think that I would loose my second too. 

Never did I think that a year on I would be babyless and still waiting.

Never did I think that I would be in a 2 week wait wishing I felt sick.

Never did I think that this would have changed me so much. I cried again last night. I feel like crying now. I can’t get to grips with what has happened to me. I struggle every day. 

I crave for a baby so much it hurts. I want to have a little one just like everyone else I see around me. So many babies, so many lucky people. And here I am babyless. Wishing every day. 

I don’t hold out much hope. It took 5 months to concieve the first time. 7 months for the second. I’m on cycle 3 since my last…. I’m not holding out at all that I will b pregnant this month. I know I’m not. Life isn’t that good to me. 

I have my husband…. I have my dog…. I have my business… I have my house…. o have an amazing family….I have good friends…. it should be enough right?