councelling -denial

I had my councelling session today. We covered a lot of things. We talked a lot about yesterday and how finding out my assistant manager is pregnant. I feel a lot calmer about it. I think I’m just tired now after zero sleep last night. I’m hoping that the pang in my chest goes every time I think of it soon.

We covered denial today. We worked out that I was in a lot of denial to begin with. Especially when I was feeling in a dream state. I was in between denying that it never happened and denial that I had gone through another miscarriage. I think I passed through denial probably a month or so after the miscarriage. 

I worked out that I still blame myself, coming off the metformin and being usuare about the effect it had on my hormones still plays a forefront in my mind. I’m very uncertain about it. I really think that coming off the tablets may have contributed to my miscarriage a long with stress from the council about work. Knowing I’m sensitive to stress anyway…. I will always think that it contributed to it too.
I realised that, when the counceller asked about this blog that I probably, in the heat of the moment written stuff about Chris that at the time I thought but didn’t mean. A split second of feeling shit about something and if I’m writing I will write it down too. 

Today in my session I realised how important he is to me. I realised that without him being there and worrying about me and looking after me as much as he has done… I could have been in a lot darker place, I could be a lot worse than I am. Him, and all the other members of my family have helped so much. 

I couldn’t be without these two

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