I had a complete breakdown yesterday. I lost it totally when I got home, I was able to hold it all in whilst at work thank God. But now I feel like I’m back to square one. I’m angry, I’m hurting, I can’t sleep, all I want to do is cry.
All because my assistant manager is pregnant. She’s 5 weeks. She wanted to tell me asap for 2 reasons. One because obviously it will effect work and 2 because she didn’t want to hide it from me. She know what I’ve been through.
How is to fair. She wasn’t actively trying…. Her and her husband just got carried away and did use a condom and BAM pregnant…. Why can’t that happen to me?? Why can’t I just fall pregnant that easily? What’s wrong with me. It’s just not fair.
But now I’m a complete fucking mess and I hate it. I want to throw things and scream and shout. I want to just cry and sleep but I can’t sleep. It’s ten to 5…. I’ve been up since half 3. I’m going for a walk in a min. I can’t cope with just sitting about.
How is it fair.
I have to watch everything I eat, every fucking calorie… Every fucking carb and every fucking protein….. Just to loose a little weight. I’m struggling to have children and think there is something wrong with me. I have major depression and anxiety. Why can’t life give me a fucking break. Why do I have to have all the shit. Why do I have to gain weight if I act like a normal human being, why can’t I have a baby, why do I have to shave my face at least once a week. Why do I have to look and feel so fat and ugly. Why can’t I just be happy. Life sucks. I just want to run away and forget about it all. Run away and never come back…… Now that is so tempting