They dont tell you….

No one can tell you how much this hurts my heart

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Its not been the best of days….

I didn’t sleep well last night

The dogs have been a pain

My foot still really hurts

I ate carbs

I didn’t get any laundry done.

I felt sick all day

Im back at 15 stone 11lbs

Im fed up that I can’t loose weight

Im fed up of not having a baby

Im fed up of trying to conceive and nothing happening.

Im done

Feeling a bit better

I broke down on Chris, cried like a baby. Told him everything I’ve been feeling recently and he looked after me.

Getting things out and talking to someone has helped alot. I think I was overloading myself and not allowing myself to feel what I needed to feel.

The HSG x-ray really hurt and it put me in a bad place again. I didn’t think the effect of messing around down there would do so much to my head state. But it did.

Latest rant/life summary

I don’t usually post like this on here. But I’m struggling so badly recently.
Me and DH have been trying for nearly 2 years. Started trying Nov 2015 after we got married. We had an early mc in the April, then a mmc at 11 week in January, I was a mess. I had councelling which helped a lot.

We have had nothing since, not even a slither of hope. I have been referred to a fertility clinic who won’t help until we have been trying for 2 years so I have to wait until November. Then I need to loose 3 stone to qualify for iui or ivf 😦
So it’s just drugs for me until that point. Husband’s test came back amazingly good so I know the problem is me.

I have a hsg x-ray next week but I’ve given up all hope. I can’t stop crying and feeling so low.
I want a baby more than anything but it feels like it’s never going to happen.

I wish I could stop wanting a baby 😥

CD1

CD1 is always so depressing. A reminder that I’m not pregnant, that I don’t have my little bean. That my body hates me just that little bit more night now.

How much is it to ask for, a little baby, it’s not a lot surely?

What have I done in a past life to have to go through this..

Feeling meh

So I had a bit of a breakdown last night. Fed up of my weight, fed up of being hungry, fed up that I’m not pregnant after 8 months… Fed up with everything really.

But… At least I’m loosing weight again

And at least we have some good staff coming into to work for us….

Hsg

So I have my letter through for my referral for my hsg scan.

I’m happy but scared. I know some this wrong…. Why else would I still not be pregnant since January …. It’s just not fair.

I’m struggling with it at the moment. I keep thinking it should be me. Well what isn’t it? What am I doing that’s so wrong that I can’t have a child?

I’m dieting… I’m trying to loose weight… all I want is fucking cake! Bah. I will be strong.

I need this little one now… I really do. It’s all I think about. I’m sat here nearly having an anxiety attack because I keep thinking about it and getting worked up by it. :/ It’s just doing my head in now. I wish I could just forget about it all.

I just love spending time with Rory, Ali and darcie…. They are wonderful and so so beautiful. But I just want mine. I need mine. Why can’t I have mine 😦