Staff…..

FFS staff are a fucking pain in the ass.

I have to fire my longest running employee! Turns out she has her own dog care and pet sitting business she runs from home in Exeter!!! I mean seriously?!!!? That’s gross misconduct!

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Counselling

So could bits have happened in the last couple days.

Chris had his first counselling session on Tuesday. He wanted me to sit in with him. It was a little odd to do but I wanted to support him. I think he did really well.

Things are getting a little easier. I’m not thinking about what happened too much ATM but I am think I’m ok with that. Me and Chris have been better than ever. I know he’s still trying really hard to make things better and that is a major part of why we are still doing really well. I hope the sessions help settle things down more. In the session he talked slot about fear which seems to play a major role in life along with needing someone to help him do everything, before it was his mum… Now it’s me. He admitted an addictive personality and his drinking issues too.

Week 5

I asked Chris to move back into the bedroom. I hope it’s the best step…. It felt right asking at the time. Maybe I asked to soon, because today we had a little argument. It’s upset me and I’ve gone all anxious. I did what it normally do. Difused it… Walked away…. Try and forget it. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to be anxious, I don’t want to feel like this.

I felt good yesterday. Why do I feel like this now… I hate it. I want to forget it. I can’t drink because it makes me gain weight….. I want another tramadol… I want to forget. But I don’t have any left. I dunno what to do.

I need a nap….

No words…

Found out about Chris on 2/6/18

It’s now 4 weeks and 4 days since I found out.

The last 4 weeks have been hell.

I’m a broken woman. My heart is broken. I can’t take this. I love him so much. It hurts so much. I have no words for how I’m really feeling anymore. I don’t know how to keep moving…. I want to curl up in bed… Take my last tramadol and what ever else I can find and just forget it all.

Another day…..

Well it’s just another day.

Another day of feeling shit… Another day of wanting to curl up and cry… Another day I can’t believe I’m in this situation… Another day I want it all to end…. Another day….

Just another day…. It’s 4 weeks since I found the messages. 4 week… And I’ve cried every day… Don’t stuff and thought stuff I thought I would never do or feel again.

My chest goes tight every time I think about it. I’m hurting so much still. I want it to end.

How long will this go on for? How long will I hurt. Will I ever trust him again? Can I? Should I? Someone needs to just tell me what to do now. I can’t do this.

I want to sleep…. Sleep for a very long time…. I don’t want to wake up… And if I do…. Can this all be a dream please.

It has to be a dream right? How can the man I love, the man I wanted a family with, the man that married me… How can he do this to me.

I feel sick

Step by step

It seems so obvious but I’m having to take things with such tiny baby steps. I’m so worried about our life and our relationship.

On Saturday i has 2 panic attacks, they came out of no where. They freaked me out so much. The first one was the worst. A proper freak out I’m so glad Chris walked through the door when he did and he helped me through it. I had another one later in the evening and then again Sunday morning. He was able to calm me down enough for them not to be as bad as the first.

We had a christening to go to on Sunday where Chris was God Father. He looked stunning in his suit and cooing over Ronnie. There were so many kids and so many people…. I started to freak out a little so sat at the back of the church. Made me feel a bit calmer. All the kids…. And i don’t have one…. Kick to the overies….

Chris stayed in my bed the last free nights. We’ve had a really good couple of days and i really wanted him there. I don’t know if it’s health to keep yoyo-ing between him being here and not. When I’ve had a bad day i don’t really want him around, i struggle to look at him without wanting to cry. I get this bubble in my chest when i think about the messages and it really hurts. I don’t know when that will stop.

I want to forget what’s happened. My brain keeps wanting to shove it under the rug… But that’s not healthy. It will just fester under there….

When i had my bad days last week. I really wasn’t coping. I got drunk on the Thursday. It didn’t help…. So i took a tablet…. Why did that have to work. Why does that have the strength to fuzz me out and make me feel numb for a good 24 hours…. I now only have one left….. I can’t get hold of anymore… I’m fucked on that front and its weird. I’ve never done drugs recreationally. But i get why people do now…. I get it. And i sometimes wish i knew how to continue. After this tablet goes… When it gets bad i don’t know what i will do. I wouldn’t know where to start to look for anything… Or what to even ask for…. I wouldn’t anyway. It would hurt Chris to much… How ever much i want to.

It’s not just the drugs and alcohol when i got that low. I wanted to leave. Run away but i can’t. I can’t afford to even move out. I was seriously contemplating asking Chris to separate the house into two flats again, separating. Living completely different lives under one roof. I was thinking about our bills and how we would separate them…. How and what we would do with the business. I was thinking about it so seriously.

I still don’t know if i can make it through this. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I want to try… I just don’t know…. it kills me inside

I’m struggling today

Today I’m really struggling.

I just can’t understand why the person i love, the one that’s supposed to love me too, has done this to me. I just don’t get it. How can he live me and go behind my back like this. How can he break me when he supposedly loves me. How!

I’m currently sat in the pub on my own drinking gin.

And i don’t give two shits. I could sit here all night drinking. And i want to. I don’t want to go home. I will only cry. I don’t know what else to do. Drink… Or abuse tablets. I want to forget

Sleeping on my own again

After a few nights together i decided maybe sleeping separately may be a good idea again.

My head isn’t coping. It’s gone into defence mode and just trying to forget everything it keeps trying to just sweep it under the rug and go on as normal. I can’t let myself do that

I hate it though