Day to day life…

Pills

Pills

Pills

Baby?…. Nope.

Lost all hope now. Easier not to think I could get pregnant this cycle…. Think the worst and you can’t get disappointed right? Wrong…. It just hurts even more.

2ww here we come….

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Feeling low

So things just aren’t getting better this month.

Life is throwing everything at me. Staff quiting and wasting my money, hmrc fucking up my money situation by not setting up my direct debit. Working out we are piss poor until Feb. So a skint Xmas it is. My body is growing more hair in places I don’t want it to. My sex drive has gone bit I still have to have sex to try for a baby… I feel like a crap wife because I have no energy to do anything apart from worry so housework hasn’t been done.

I need to get a grip, I need to be stronger. But all I want to do is curl up and cry.

Fml

I want to get off now

I want to get off this train. I want it to stop. Now.

Im done. Im tempted to ring doctors today and ask for the pill. Im mentally not coping.

But at the same time I’ve wasted 2 years of my life, I have ruined my body and still got no where. But I have an appointment some time next week for drugs to help.

Im so conflicted.

I’ve spent that last 6 days crying over this failed month. I just do the know what to do.

I thought I would be a mum by now…. And if clomid doesn’t work…. I might not be a mum until im 30 odd….

Life can do one. I wanna run away from all this shit.

Feeling down again recently

So I’ve been feeling really down again recently. I have the start of each cycle month. It’s so hard on me. Just having another month of a bfn and the realisation im still not going to be a mum and that’s it’s another month of timed sex.

My weight is doing my head in. I can’t stand looking in the mirror it makes me feel sick. But what ever I do, it’s not shifting and it’s getting to me

Its not been the best of days….

I didn’t sleep well last night

The dogs have been a pain

My foot still really hurts

I ate carbs

I didn’t get any laundry done.

I felt sick all day

Im back at 15 stone 11lbs

Im fed up that I can’t loose weight

Im fed up of not having a baby

Im fed up of trying to conceive and nothing happening.

Im done

Feeling a bit better

I broke down on Chris, cried like a baby. Told him everything I’ve been feeling recently and he looked after me.

Getting things out and talking to someone has helped alot. I think I was overloading myself and not allowing myself to feel what I needed to feel.

The HSG x-ray really hurt and it put me in a bad place again. I didn’t think the effect of messing around down there would do so much to my head state. But it did.

Latest rant/life summary

I don’t usually post like this on here. But I’m struggling so badly recently.
Me and DH have been trying for nearly 2 years. Started trying Nov 2015 after we got married. We had an early mc in the April, then a mmc at 11 week in January, I was a mess. I had councelling which helped a lot.

We have had nothing since, not even a slither of hope. I have been referred to a fertility clinic who won’t help until we have been trying for 2 years so I have to wait until November. Then I need to loose 3 stone to qualify for iui or ivf 😦
So it’s just drugs for me until that point. Husband’s test came back amazingly good so I know the problem is me.

I have a hsg x-ray next week but I’ve given up all hope. I can’t stop crying and feeling so low.
I want a baby more than anything but it feels like it’s never going to happen.

I wish I could stop wanting a baby 😥