so i havent posted in a while…

This game have been up and down and life has been so busy.
Fertility update, cba to write it again so here is the message I sent out

Hey went ok. I got to wait 3 months for some help as they don’t do anything until 2 years apparently.

They said it’s pretty normal to wait like I have been but they have done all the blood like they do for multiple miscarriages even though I’ve had 2 not 3.

The help I can get is the ovulation drugs.

I can’t get any other help until I have a bmi of less than 30. Which means I need to be at least 13 1/2 stone so have 2 1/2 stone to try and loose :/

Not massively what I was wanting to hear as I knew alot of it already. Xx
I’m struggling now though. I panic that i can’t get the help I so desperately want. I don’t feel like they understand that it may be normal not to conceive but it doesn’t feel normal. I’m angry that I have to wait until November for more help at all, then I doubt they will help any further since I’m so fucking fat 😦

I hate pcos, I hate this weight, I hate how hairy I am, I have the fatigue.

I feel so done. I have given up so much in the last 2 years and now I feel done. I just want a fucking baby.
Ali is nearly 9 months, Darcey is just too cute for words, Alf is now 5 and Rory turns 2 soon.

I’m jelous of them all. It kicked in properly at the weekend. I just want a baby. I want it so bad it’s not fair. I’m ready to cry


aaaaand again 

Af due tomorrow…. Feeling sick as…. And it’s my 2nd wedding anniversary tomorrow. 😦 Was so hoping to be able to tell my husband some good news…..
Roll on the fertility appointment on 29th 😦

fitness and life

I’ve gone back into a slimfast style diet to try and help boost my metabolism so fingers crossed it works.

I’m pushing myself harder with my fitness, I’m running more and entering events. I’m entering a triathalon for beginners next month. I have 5 weeks….. 

I’ve given up with the having a baby shit. I’m struggling so bad with it. I know I want it. I know things may come right. But I have no hope left. Doctors on 29th but right now I don’t see it realtly ever happening. 

Chris is drinking still in the evenings. He said he would cut it out, but hasn’t. When I mention it, all I get is mmmhmmmmm. I feel like I’m the only one taking health seriously to have kids.

my weight

I’m really struggling with body image at the moment. I’m finding being this size really really hard. Physically and mentally. 

The first image is me before coming off my contraception. Before I found out I had pcos and an insulin resistancy. Im 12 and half 12

The second is me at 14 stone. A year later. When I found out I had pcos.

The 3rd is yesterday. 16 stone. Unhappy. And hating my body.

There is nothing I can do. I eat healthily, exercise and I’m still this size. It’s depressing and makes me want to cry.

I would do anything to go back even to 14 stone. But I’m giving up my body to have a child. I will get there. I will bring a child into this world then put myself back to being first…. I hope it works like that. Because living in this body is hell. 

I also miss being able to wear clothes like the first picture 

the struggle continues

I’m trying not to let it all get to me. 

I’m trying to be positive and the happy go lucky person i have been again recently. But I’m tired.

Work is stressful, staff are stressful, dogs are stressful, i have lost my passion for work.

My house isn’t as much of a mess anymore… But it’s not how i want it. 

I still don’t have a baby… And I’m still not pregnant. I don’t know why and it hurts like hell.

I feel so fat and don’t understand why i can’t loose weight even when eating to my diet. I feel like i should stop eating completely….. Obviously i wont… That’s just stupid. But i eat right and exercise and can’t loose weight.

My back is fucked again so ATM I’ve taken some old tramadol and it’s helped so fingers crossed it will work itself out. 

I just feel so lost with everything. I don’t have time to do everything i want to do. I can’t afford to do everything i want to do. I can’t make Chris happy…. 

Maybe i should sell the business…. Maybe i need to take a step back…. Maybe i need to change how things work at work… Maybe then i will be happy again 

Weekend full of attacks

Well that was an interesting weekend….. Not. 

Been rather stressed out recently and it all came to a head over the weekend. I had like 4 anxiety attacks in 2 days.

Work has been hard,and stressful rying to keep the book balanced and everyone ehappy at the same time.

I feel so fat and ugly and unattractive now I’m back up to 16 stone…. Which doesn’t help since we are meant to be having sex 2-3 times a week minium (as suggested by fertility department) I just don’t feel sexy….

Then there is the food front of things. I look in the fridge and can’t find anything interesting to eat 😦 and it pisses me off…. I wish I could just have anything. I tried making some almond flour bread… It failed….. Again….

29th of August seems so far away still…. I just want the appointment now 😦 I have so much going on between now and then.

My birthday


Hen do

I want to get my fertility treatments started….then I can have a baby… Go back on contraception and now be fat! X

Get up and go to work…. 

Get up and go to work….

Try not to think about infertility…

Come home try and eat healthily….

Go to bed
Get up and go to work

Try not to think about next months due date….

Come home… Go to bed
Get up and go to work….

Try not to think…..


the ups and the downs

Things have good recently. Alot better than before but some days I still feel like abosolute shit.

But it’s the same crap that I feel crap about so I haven’t really been posting much. I’m currently on cd3 so that another month of not getting my baby…. 21 months we have been trying… 2 miscarriages… And still nothing more. I hate it so much. I hate that it’s made me put on so much weight to, that’s taken the fun and excitement out of ttc. I just want to get it over and done with now so that I can get back on contraception and get fit again. I can’t stand looking in the mirror. I can’t stand having my picture taken. I just look fat and ugly. Bah! 

On the plus side my gynacology referral came through so I can book that in now. And find out what’s going on. There had to be something…. I just want a baby so badly.