the last week

Well the last week has been pretty busy to be honest. Work has been good… But hard. 

I’ve pushed myself to the limits with my anxiety but going to a larger house party, my cousin has had her baby! And I’ve been to see her and little D. She’s so cute. 

I managed really well with both things. I had a melt down when we got home from the party. But I know that’s because of the pressure I put myself under and the anxiety kicked in. But I managed it with the help of Chris. I love that man so much, he know just what to do when I get into that mess. He’s wonderful.

I really did think I wouldn’t cope with seeing D but she is so adorable and cute! I do just wish it was me.
 But I had my first lot of bloods today and booked in the next lot and then to see doctor after. So Fingers crossed we get some answers soon. I’m really worried that there is something wrong…. I’m tempted to track my ovulation this month to go alongside my bloods but I’m worries it will stress me out. So not sure about doing it 

i will try….

Since finding out I can get referred for help with fertility ive ebeen feeling a lot better a lot more positive.

And today had been the best day I have had since all this shit started. I haven’t been this happy in months. 

My cousin had very baby Sunday which is awesome! I think I’m dealing with it ok. I’ve not seen them yet….. So that’s going to be a big challenge for me I think. I really have been thinking about how much I wish it was me. I’m very jelouse I think…. Definitely feeling it. But holding up. Terri deserves this so much after everything sh e went through last year. I just wish it was me…. I obviously need some help. 

I’m scared about that, I wonder what is wrong to take this long to concieve. 

Me and Chris watched Moana again tonight! If you haven’t watched it… Go and watch it now! It’s brilliant. I can completely relate to it at the moment… Spoilers ahead

Maui takes the heart, the heart of creation. And a lava monster appears. But they have to return the heart to bring life back to the world. And it turns out the lava monster is the same thing he took the heart from. She is mother Earth. It nearly made me cry at the end. I could relate to the story so much.

I lost my baby…. It destroted my heart and my soul, it took some of me with it when it went. I need to fix myself. Then maybe, just maybe I will get my baby.

I really do hope so… Every month that goes by I worry more and more that my pcos is worse that I thought…. Maybe I’m not ovulating. . or at the wrong time…  Or maybe I just can’t do it… And i have a tiny success rate…. 

Work is hard…..

We have a dog in that I’m getting so stressed out with. He is so much hard work….. I started getting stressed out yesterday then he came in for boarding and ended up giving we an anxiety attack… So glad he’s going home at 9…. He’s meant to be in a Christmas… He won’t be without some work!

Fertility….. Business and life in general 

So here I am….. 02:40 am on a ‘tuesday’ night I can’t sleep….. We came to bed about 11. I dozed off until 12 then again until about quarter past 2…. I just can’t sleep… I have a lot on my mind.

I’ve been a bit low recently again the last week, but I had a really good week off and felt much better! So I think I was expecting this to be honest. Just really wish things would go my way now. I’m so fed up of the hiccups of life now….

Amber has gone into hospital with her morning sickness. Poor girl 😦 I feel so bad for her 😦

Terri is due next week. It’s so exciting! Can’t wait to meet the little one now! Terri is looking so good too! So jealous! Carrying a 7lb baby and still looks amazing.

I haven’t lost any weight in 3 weeks, but this week I’ve had a lot of compliments saying I’ve lost weight and looking good…. So something got to be working…. Right? 

I went to the doctors today and spoke to them about my weight, my constant acid reflux and help with fertility. The doctors are happy with weight as it is slowly coming off and with pcos and amount of loss is good apparently. Even 1lb in a month…. 

So fertility treatments…. When I went to see my doctor she told me I would have to wait a year from last conception and have a bmi of 30 or less (I’m 33). Well I got fed up of this doctor as every time I’ve seen her she’s been all… How do you describe it….. Airy fairy and umming and arrring and not really coming up with any solutions. But I decided to see someone else. And she was great! Very pro active, asking questions listing to what I was actually saying and coming up with a proper plan. She seemed very forward and it suits me better. I clicked with her. 

I got a lot on my mind…. I’m really annoyed at a local land owner who I approached about renting land for a secure dog walking field…. He said to me that I can use it on a casual baises £10 for 3 hours a day as he couldn’t go into business with me as it’s national trust land. But when I asked for 4 hours he turned abound and asked for £30! A day…… I could just about afford 10!!! I’m just so annoyed he’s taken my business idea and set it up….. Then pricrd me out when I gave him the idea! It’s a proper kick in the teeth and now I’m back to square one on finding land…. It sucks… I was so close.

fed up

I’m feeling really fed up this morning with my weight and this diet. Im just tired of the on going battle, the tracking, the rule it has over my life, I wish I could be done with it. But if I don’t I gain 2lbs a week…. I’m just so fed up. I hate that it rules me like this. I hate that I don’t have a choice. 

Bah why can’t it be easier

wanting a baby so badly…

I’m feeling very positive this week. It helps that my period is over… And I’m on holiday and very relaxed. Even though we are decorating and still doing a lot. It’s just not work. Which is nice.

I still have moments my chest hurts though. I see friends with their little ones out enjoying the sunshine. I see the pictures online and wish it was me. We met up with my friend tamsin and I wished it was me carrying my baby around. 

So yes I’m feeling more positive but im still wishing it was me. I’m struggling to understand why it’s not. Yes I have PCOS…. But I have concieved twice…. So why won’t it happen again. What am I doing wrong. Everyone tells you to relax but it’s not that easy and it’s the worst thing to hear. Relax…. What do they know…. 

councelling -denial

I had my councelling session today. We covered a lot of things. We talked a lot about yesterday and how finding out my assistant manager is pregnant. I feel a lot calmer about it. I think I’m just tired now after zero sleep last night. I’m hoping that the pang in my chest goes every time I think of it soon.

We covered denial today. We worked out that I was in a lot of denial to begin with. Especially when I was feeling in a dream state. I was in between denying that it never happened and denial that I had gone through another miscarriage. I think I passed through denial probably a month or so after the miscarriage. 

I worked out that I still blame myself, coming off the metformin and being usuare about the effect it had on my hormones still plays a forefront in my mind. I’m very uncertain about it. I really think that coming off the tablets may have contributed to my miscarriage a long with stress from the council about work. Knowing I’m sensitive to stress anyway…. I will always think that it contributed to it too.
I realised that, when the counceller asked about this blog that I probably, in the heat of the moment written stuff about Chris that at the time I thought but didn’t mean. A split second of feeling shit about something and if I’m writing I will write it down too. 

Today in my session I realised how important he is to me. I realised that without him being there and worrying about me and looking after me as much as he has done… I could have been in a lot darker place, I could be a lot worse than I am. Him, and all the other members of my family have helped so much. 

I couldn’t be without these two

My assistant manager is pregnant

I had a complete breakdown yesterday. I lost it totally when I got home, I was able to hold it all in whilst at work thank God. But now I feel like I’m back to square one. I’m angry, I’m hurting, I can’t sleep, all I want to do is cry.

All because my assistant manager is pregnant. She’s 5 weeks. She wanted to tell me asap for 2 reasons. One because obviously it will effect work and 2 because she didn’t want to hide it from me. She know what I’ve been through.

How is to fair. She wasn’t actively trying…. Her and her husband just got carried away and did use a condom and BAM pregnant…. Why can’t that happen to me?? Why can’t I just fall pregnant that easily? What’s wrong with me. It’s just not fair. 

But now I’m a complete fucking mess and I hate it. I want to throw things and scream and shout. I want to just cry and sleep but I can’t sleep. It’s ten to 5…. I’ve been up since half 3. I’m going for a walk in a min. I can’t cope with just sitting about. 

How is it fair.

I have to watch everything I eat, every fucking calorie… Every fucking carb and every fucking protein….. Just to loose a little weight. I’m struggling to have children and think there is something wrong with me. I have major depression and anxiety​. Why can’t life give me a fucking break. Why do I have to have all the shit. Why do I have to gain weight if I act like a normal human being, why can’t I have a baby, why do I have to shave my face at least once a week. Why do I have to look and feel so fat and ugly. Why can’t I just be happy. Life sucks. I just want to run away and forget about it all. Run away and never come back…… Now that is so tempting

i wish it would end

I cried again last night, I cried because I miss my baby. I should be 20 weeks. I should be half way there, I should be able to know the sex if I wanted. But I’m not, I can’t.

I cried because my cousin has 5 weeks left and I wish it was me. I’m excited for her but so jealous of that bump. Where is mine 😦

I cried ecause deep down how ever much I’m wishing for it, I’m not pregnant again this month. I have 5 days until I’m due on. I m tired, feel sick and have acid reflux again. Which is all the symptoms of the last two pregnancies… But I know I’m not. Good things don’t happen like that at the moment. 

Life won’t give me the break I need.